Answered Conundrum Next Conundrum

raerae2 raerae2

How would you break through to a very stubborn friend who is considering an abortion because the timing is wrong?

My friend just got married and is pregnant. She is due to graduate college around the same time that the baby is due. She knows how against abortions I am. She says she is under too much pressure with school to be bothered with all the things that come with pregnancy (nausea, fatigue, cravings, weight-gain, pain, high blood pressure, etc, etc, etc). I cannot stress to her enough that she is strong enough to handle pregnancy AND school (believe me she is) without her arguing. I've even suggested adoption and open adoption. Anything but abortion. The more suggestions I came up with and the more I tried to talk her out of it, the quicker she tried to get off the phone. I think she's giving up and bailing by not taking responsibility for her actions.

What upsets me in addition to her even thinking about getting an abortion is that she had the nerve to say that this pregnancy is something she can't control and because the timing was wrong there's no way that she can go through with it. Obviously, she has yet to learn or understand that she can not control everything that happens to her. This a very frustrating mindset to argue against. What do I do?
Interesting Question? Yes (1) No (0)
RSS

Best Answer Chosen by Asker

lonlonranc...
lonlonranc...
Marked as Best! October 07, 2009 08:24 AM
This is an incredibly personal and difficult decision, and arguing with her about it will be stressful to both of you. She's with child and undergoing massive physical and emotional changes, and you obviously have strong opinions on the matter. She seems determined to give up the child, and you seem determined to change her mind. Your friend clearly isn't the only stubborn one here. Instead of going head to head with her, listen to her worries and concerns, and only offer alternatives if it's relevant and potentially useful to the problems she's concerned about. Forcing the subject matter is likely to just upset her.

If she's hanging up on you when you offer her suggestions, consider that maybe she doesn't actually want advice, but just a shoulder to lean on during this difficult time. Don't bully her into agreeing with you, and instead wait for her to ask for your help or advice. It wouldn't hurt to realize that in the end, this is her decision and not yours - whether or not you're comfortable continuing a friendship where your friend has had an abortion is entirely up to you.
Asker's Rating:
• Thank you for answering without patronizing or offending me and questioning whether or not I'm her friend. Thank you again for your suggestions.
Helpful Answer? (4)   (0)
Permalink | Report
Reply
raerae2
raerae2
October 07, 2009 10:04 PM
Thank you for commenting possible scenarios of how to approach her. I value our friendship too much to let a wrong decision discontinue our friendship. I will support her regardless of her decision, but I simply want to try to encourage her in some way to not make a mistake she and I both know she'll regret from our own personal experiences (hence my strong opinion against abortion). She and I have a friendship based on up front, blunt honesty and I would be betraying her if I didn't fight her on this because I know, she would be doing the same for me if our roles were reversed. I've done what I can and I've offered her my ear and my love no matter what she decides.

Thank you again for not judging me for stating my opinion to my friend and for wanting to help her.
Report

Other Answers (8)
Sort By

lotusla
lotusla
October 07, 2009 07:50 AM
Your friend is pregnant,there is a lot of changes going on in her body,physically, emotionally ,psychologically so you should understand that she is so confused right now. Be a caring friend ,personally be with her a lot of times when talking to her about her situation and what she thinks she wants or should do , give her all the options. Give her all the pros and cons of what might happen if she continues to have an abortion, consult trusted elders. As you said she is stubborn,in the end it is her own decision that will prevail,to have abortion or not.You can only do the best you can as a friend who cares,support her in the highs and lows of her life.In my opinion, God will not give us trials we cannot bear. And being pregnant and having a baby is not a trial it is a blessing.Regret is always in the end.
Helpful Answer? (2)   (1)
Permalink | Report
Reply
albanian
albanian
October 07, 2009 02:01 PM
This is her business not yours. You should respect her decision. You are not being a friend in this case; you are being a very obnoxious missionary for your religion. If it had been me, after a call or two I would have told you in no uncertain terms to get lost and hung up. If you value your friendship you will accept her different beliefs. If not, at least don't pester her.
Helpful Answer? (2)   (1)
Permalink | Report
Reply
raerae2
raerae2
October 07, 2009 09:59 PM
I never once attempted to make her feel guilty using OUR religion and I am offended that you think I would. This particular answer is extremely unhelpful and without going into too much detail, she and I have a friendship based upon being able to be honest with each other. I would've betrayed our friendship had I not expressed my opinion to her. She has done the same with me anytime I needed a swift dose of reality and honesty. I've offered my ear and my love to her regardless of her decision, but I am simply trying to figure out a good approach to encouraging her to not make a mistake. Please refrain from judging me for being honest with my friend.
Report
albanian
albanian
October 07, 2009 10:27 PM
"the more I tried to talk her out of it, the quicker she tried to get off the phone." should be telling you that you have gone beyond friendship and politeness. You are blinded by your dogmatic views. Answers that don't point you to rethinking your behavior are the unhelpful ones. You've been honest, perhaps, but it is time to accept her decision.
Report
catt969
catt969
October 07, 2009 02:37 PM
And yet she still calls you knowing that you are totally against abortion. Maybe she doesn't want the abortion as much as she sounds. In this situation you have no control and I know that it is frustrating to you that she just doesnt get it. Be her friend. Offer to help her if she decides to stay pregnant. If you butt heads with her, she will only reach a disasterous decision sooner. But the biggest thing is to let yourself off the hook. You have done all you can to deter her from killing her baby. But if she decides to do it anyway, it is not your guilt. You did not fail. She did. She will be the one hearing the cries of her baby at night, feeling the guilt and remorse. Find some article by people who have had abortions. you will find that many regret this decision from the moment that it was too late.
Source(s):
my opinion
Helpful Answer? (2)   (0)
Permalink | Report
Reply
samid
samid
October 07, 2009 04:02 PM
Maybe YOU should offer to adopt the baby from her? It might go further with her knowing she would be able to see the child on a regular basis. Going through the pregnancy shouldn't be a big deal. It's after the child is born that things get hairy!
Helpful Answer? (0)   (1)
Permalink | Report
Reply
jillbeth
jillbeth
October 07, 2009 07:08 PM
I don't approve of abortion either, but we are all free to make our own choices. This decision belongs to your friend and her husband, and you've told her how you feel, so you need to back off. Give her time to think about what you said. She may change her mind; she may just be a little freaked by this unexpected pregnancy right now.

I agree that her arguments for abortion, especially since she is married, come from selfish reasons. Nature doesn't always run its course as we would wish it to, and many women have babies while going to college.

But your friend knows how much she can handle, whether or not you agree with her. You need to decide whether you can continue with this friendship if she does have an abortion, or whether you can be there for her when she ultimately has feelings of remorse if she goes through with it. We can love people without approving of their actions, you know.
Source(s):
personal opinion
Helpful Answer? (2)   (0)
Permalink | Report
Reply
girlyskwer...
girlyskwer...
October 07, 2009 07:46 PM
It is not your business. You can choose not to be her friend and from then on only make friends who share your beliefs. You do not have to support her or take her to the clinic but you do not have to push your opinion on her. The decision is difficult enough without having someone you thought was your friend making it worse.
Helpful Answer? (2)   (0)
Permalink | Report
Reply
cmajaski
cmajaski
October 08, 2009 12:51 AM
I don't understand why people just assume that adoption is a better solution. Do you know what is required of someone to carry a baby for 9 months (all the while not wanting it) and then giving birth to a baby and giving it away? Not only will she have to think of that for the rest of her life, in the same way she may think of an abortion, she will also have to explain to people what happened to the baby and why she gave it up for adoption. After all, a full term pregnancy is not easy to hide.

That being said, it's not your decision. You can decide if you can live with your friend having an abortion. You can decide to be upset and you can decide whether you want to support her as a friend. You've given her your opinion, now it is up to her and her husband. This in no way should affect you or your friendship.
Helpful Answer? (1)   (0)
Permalink | Report
Reply
ssmacd
ssmacd
October 08, 2009 02:27 AM
I realize you have very strong feelings about this-- but they are your feelings. Your friend may not feel the same way. I can't help you with advice on "how to break through to her", as I don't think that's the right approach. Be there for her, listen to her, and empathize. If she asks you what you think-- be honest, and let you know how wrong you think the action is. If she doesn't ask you what you think, don't try to change her mind. this is a personal decision which will have tremendous ramifications on her life and her feelings about herself, and she needs to make it together with her husband.

One thing to be on the look out for, however, is any indication that she's being pushed into this action by her husband. If that's the case, she really needs your support - if she goes ahead with the abortion because he isn't ready, she may never forgive herself.
Helpful Answer? (0)   (0)
Permalink | Report
Reply

Answer this Question


View All Belief and Thought Questions

Ask a Conundrum


140 characters left

Categories

Large Glass of Conundrum Wine

Welcome to ConundrumLand

Please enter your zip code.