I have lost everything.... four times in my life.

When I was 16, a runaway, pregnant, abused... I left him and lived in a storage shed behind a house for a time. I lost everything I had when I ran away from home to be with him, and 10 months later, lost it all again when I finally worked up the courage to save my unborn baby and leave.

Then, later, the love of my life was unexpectedly killed, and his family and his job basically took everything we had together, and I lost everything that meant anything to me.

And then, about 15 years ago, I lost it all for the last time. I left to a big city, had a newborn and a 7 year old who needed to have major surgery to correct a congenital problem. Was on my own, on welfare, no child support, crappy apartment-- and I couldn't even keep that. Was evicted and couldn't rent another apartment in the Dallas area because of it (judicial eviction) and the landlord kept everything: my wedding dress, my piano, my televisions, everything. Said I could have it back when I paid the past due rent and the 'storage' fees for her holding it for me until then.

I came back to my smaller West Texas town in shame, two kids, single, broke, on welfare and I moved in with my mother--ugh.

That was just about as low as I figured I ever wanted to get...

I'll never lose it all again. I have built up enough to know I always have something, somewhere, so I'm never that far down.

It only takes one little seed to start growing an entire forest. I've made sure I'll always have a seed to my name.

What attribute will I fall back on from my personality for this if I ever need it? I don't think it's an attribute at all. I think it's sheer instinct, survival instinct. I didn't build my life back up because I am smart, or stubborn, or tenacious or anything else... I built my life back up because I had no choice but to do so, so I did.

I will, however, say this: I probably wouldn't have done all that and built it back up if I hadn't had my kids. I left that abusive man when I became pregnant for my baby, not for me. I made the move to Dallas for my daughter and the move back for my son. Most of everything I've done when the chips are down has been for my children, more than it ever was for me.

So maybe it's my ability to put someone else's needs ahead of mine when necessary that might actually keep me going until I'm able to fulfill my own needs again on my own.

Fortunately, we won't be having to test that theory any time soon!