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Why are people so rude and uncaring these days?
I understand we all need to do what is best for "us" but what ever happened to being kind and polite? I am at break down point. I have had a huge block up from letting anyone get close to me. I think family has destroyed my belief in people. My family has always been very cold and judgmental, I actually had three years that I did not speak to them. My Mom has been in a nursing home for 2 years now and is diagnosed with severe bipolar and dementia. The journey to get her help and treatment took two years and that was a struggle. I found that every family member had enough of my Mom's behaviors. They were comfortable having her live on the street, because they were done. In my family, if you do not act "one" way, you are not accepted. I stuck through the journey with Mom and had her live with me in the beginning, but soon realized it was very negatively effecting my kids.
Even since I have had my Mom safe in a nursing home, the family does not call her. The sad part is Mom is very ill and getting worse quickly. The dementia has gotten so bad Mom forgets to eat and has gone down to skin and bones. She went from 150 lb to 116 since the end of August.
I call Mom every single day, although she can barely talk and has a hard time remembering who I am. We have her here once a month and I do a manicure and pedicure on her. We also dye her hair. The family sees Mom once a year for her birthday because I plan a party and bring her out here. That is it.
Today I got an email from a family member how THEY want to plan for Mom's death. Do we want her buried or cremated? Is there a plot next to my Dad for Mom and so on. I try to tell myself this person has good intentions, but I am so upset over this. WHY step in for the funeral? You can not be here for her for someone to talk to or help while she is alive? I am here for my Mom, alone. I buy her calling cards, diapers, new clothes from losing weight and am the only one who calls her or picks her up. I am the only one who seems to care now. I have begged them all to call her. I do not understand how one can turn their back when someone is ill. That is when they REALLY need us.
I have come to accept the fact that it is just me, my husband, and two kids who are there. But this pisses me off about them talking about and planning the funeral. If you are not going to be there while the person is alive, back off. Am I wrong or just to emotional right now?
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Even since I have had my Mom safe in a nursing home, the family does not call her. The sad part is Mom is very ill and getting worse quickly. The dementia has gotten so bad Mom forgets to eat and has gone down to skin and bones. She went from 150 lb to 116 since the end of August.
I call Mom every single day, although she can barely talk and has a hard time remembering who I am. We have her here once a month and I do a manicure and pedicure on her. We also dye her hair. The family sees Mom once a year for her birthday because I plan a party and bring her out here. That is it.
Today I got an email from a family member how THEY want to plan for Mom's death. Do we want her buried or cremated? Is there a plot next to my Dad for Mom and so on. I try to tell myself this person has good intentions, but I am so upset over this. WHY step in for the funeral? You can not be here for her for someone to talk to or help while she is alive? I am here for my Mom, alone. I buy her calling cards, diapers, new clothes from losing weight and am the only one who calls her or picks her up. I am the only one who seems to care now. I have begged them all to call her. I do not understand how one can turn their back when someone is ill. That is when they REALLY need us.
I have come to accept the fact that it is just me, my husband, and two kids who are there. But this pisses me off about them talking about and planning the funeral. If you are not going to be there while the person is alive, back off. Am I wrong or just to emotional right now?
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January 29, 2012 02:11 PM
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Dear Gina, I had tears in my eyes when I read your long question. How can we help you here, maybe by just listening and supporting you? We are thousands of miles away, but you've got friends here, real friends and we stick with you!
In this age of hypocrisy and quarrel that's just what people are like. I also have despaired with friends and family and my husband and I often say: "We only got each other!" Then we are fine and can bear the rest of the nonsense again.
I guess I've sailed the storms of life for too long and I had completely lost my faith in mankind, I just wanted to be on my own in a lonely mountain valley. But it was here where I found peace and my love for people who are similar to what we are. They are still out there and it's hard to find them, but in my family I won't find them either.
You are doing such a great job with your mom, it's your support she needs and the support of other family members, but all they can think of is the funeral and if there is a dollar or two to inherit and if there is, they will fight for every cent of it.
No, you are not emotional with your question. It is exactly as you say it is. You are on the right road to find peace and quiet, you actively work for it, so I think it's best to care for yourself and your family and put up a wall against anybody who is "nasty". But leave the door open a bit to look out and if you see a good human being out there, ask him or her in.
Will light a scented candle for you tonight and think of you, dear friend Gina!
In this age of hypocrisy and quarrel that's just what people are like. I also have despaired with friends and family and my husband and I often say: "We only got each other!" Then we are fine and can bear the rest of the nonsense again.
I guess I've sailed the storms of life for too long and I had completely lost my faith in mankind, I just wanted to be on my own in a lonely mountain valley. But it was here where I found peace and my love for people who are similar to what we are. They are still out there and it's hard to find them, but in my family I won't find them either.
You are doing such a great job with your mom, it's your support she needs and the support of other family members, but all they can think of is the funeral and if there is a dollar or two to inherit and if there is, they will fight for every cent of it.
No, you are not emotional with your question. It is exactly as you say it is. You are on the right road to find peace and quiet, you actively work for it, so I think it's best to care for yourself and your family and put up a wall against anybody who is "nasty". But leave the door open a bit to look out and if you see a good human being out there, ask him or her in.
Will light a scented candle for you tonight and think of you, dear friend Gina!
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• Thank you SO much. Your response is exactly what I needed. Funny how we can touch people so profoundly that are so far away. Thank you Antje for that!
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January 27, 2012 11:54 PM
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I am so sorry to hear you are going through this with your family. It sounds like you need to find a way to talk to your family member. This can be a touchy subject. You hate to get into arguments with family when it comes to dying and death. Try to cool off first. Give your family member the benefit of the doubt. Hopefully they are just trying to lessen your load. That being said, try to express that you wish to make the plans for your Mom. You know her best and understand they are trying to help. You maybe let them know how they can help.
Hopefully your family member will understand where you are coming from. To me it is rude for someone to even suggest to plan the funeral. If you are not in someones life when they are alive, have common courtesy and back off.
It is bad enough you have to deal with everything you need to alone. It is terrible to turn your back on people while they are sick. "treat others how you want to be treated." How would you want others to treat you if you were sick? We do not know what position we will be in when we get older. Would you want everyone to turn their back?
Keep doing what you are doing. Be there for you Mom. She may not be well enough to understand how much you help, but atleast you know in your own heart.
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Hopefully your family member will understand where you are coming from. To me it is rude for someone to even suggest to plan the funeral. If you are not in someones life when they are alive, have common courtesy and back off.
It is bad enough you have to deal with everything you need to alone. It is terrible to turn your back on people while they are sick. "treat others how you want to be treated." How would you want others to treat you if you were sick? We do not know what position we will be in when we get older. Would you want everyone to turn their back?
Keep doing what you are doing. Be there for you Mom. She may not be well enough to understand how much you help, but atleast you know in your own heart.
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