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October 10, 2009 01:02 AM
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As you can see from my comment, I'm not a fan of text messaging or telephoning or emailing or any of that. If you loved someone enough to be in a relationship with them, then you should love them enough to break it off the right way. Sometimes, we fall out of being 'in love', and other times love just isn't enough to sustain a relationship, but for some reason, you cared enough to be in a relationship, so you should care enough to tell that person to their face.
It doesn't have to be a fight, but it's not always a choice you get to make. Sometimes, people don't handle these things well. I don't agree with doing it in public to avoid a scene though. The reasons are, 1) it rarely avoids a scene and 2) it's not fair to the other person to put them in an embarrassing situation like that.
If the other person tries to fight, you can keep your head about you. I used to be in HR and they told us when firing someone, to 'stick to the script'. Don't deviate from the script. Let the person say what they need to say, let them rant, rave, yell, cry, whatever, but stick to the script.
'I'm sorry, but this relationship just isn't working for me, and I need to break up with you."
Make it all about you - not their faults, not their shortcomings, but just 'not right for you'. When they ask 'why', repeat that it's not anything in particular, but that the relationship just isn't working for you. When they ask for a second chance, repeat the 'script'. Just keep repeating the script as they go through the processes they need to - denial, anger, grief, bargaining, and eventually, acceptance.
There's a song called A Bad Goodbye, with lyrics, "But in my mind I've loved enough to know that I can't leave you with a bad goodbye...."
Don't leave someone with a bad goodbye. Text messaging is a bad goodbye.
It doesn't have to be a fight, but it's not always a choice you get to make. Sometimes, people don't handle these things well. I don't agree with doing it in public to avoid a scene though. The reasons are, 1) it rarely avoids a scene and 2) it's not fair to the other person to put them in an embarrassing situation like that.
If the other person tries to fight, you can keep your head about you. I used to be in HR and they told us when firing someone, to 'stick to the script'. Don't deviate from the script. Let the person say what they need to say, let them rant, rave, yell, cry, whatever, but stick to the script.
'I'm sorry, but this relationship just isn't working for me, and I need to break up with you."
Make it all about you - not their faults, not their shortcomings, but just 'not right for you'. When they ask 'why', repeat that it's not anything in particular, but that the relationship just isn't working for you. When they ask for a second chance, repeat the 'script'. Just keep repeating the script as they go through the processes they need to - denial, anger, grief, bargaining, and eventually, acceptance.
There's a song called A Bad Goodbye, with lyrics, "But in my mind I've loved enough to know that I can't leave you with a bad goodbye...."
Don't leave someone with a bad goodbye. Text messaging is a bad goodbye.
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October 10, 2009 12:24 AM
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I am a fan of texting. People say that's rude but I'm sorry I'd rather be rude than have to argue or fight with someone about it. I also don't think I'd mind if someone broke up with me via text. If one part of the couple does not want to be in the relationship then there really isn't anything to talk about.
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October 10, 2009 12:28 AM
I'm sorry, but breaking up with someone that you've been in a relationship with deserves to be face to face. Of course there's something to talk about, especially if people lived together - there's things like when to move out, when to get your things or their things, how to handle mutual friends, what to tell people. It doesn't have to be a fight, but if you loved someone enough to be in a relationship with them, you should love them enough to leave them the right way.
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October 10, 2009 03:16 AM
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It takes two people to get into a fight, so honestly, it wouldn't totally be in my hands.
But I'd approach my partner calmly, at a time when neither of us are really stressed, but not at a time when my partner is really happy, as not to ruin his day (or her day, but I prefer men). Then I would calmly tell him why I don't think things are working out. I'd resist taking him back or anything like that. It's up to him, at that point, to reciprocate in kind.
Now, if my partner did something bad, like cheating or such, I wouldn't be as calm, and I certainly wouldn't give up any of my ground, but I wouldn't try to start a scene or anything.
And I agree with everyone else that texts/e-mails/etc are a really crappy way to end a relationship. Do it in person. I'm scared of confrontation too, but sometimes it has to happen.
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But I'd approach my partner calmly, at a time when neither of us are really stressed, but not at a time when my partner is really happy, as not to ruin his day (or her day, but I prefer men). Then I would calmly tell him why I don't think things are working out. I'd resist taking him back or anything like that. It's up to him, at that point, to reciprocate in kind.
Now, if my partner did something bad, like cheating or such, I wouldn't be as calm, and I certainly wouldn't give up any of my ground, but I wouldn't try to start a scene or anything.
And I agree with everyone else that texts/e-mails/etc are a really crappy way to end a relationship. Do it in person. I'm scared of confrontation too, but sometimes it has to happen.
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October 10, 2009 09:55 AM
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I agree, texting is the coward's way out. If you've only had one or two dates and no commitment, then perhaps it's acceptable, but not for a steady relationship. Most people try to avoid confrontation, but sometimes it's necessary. It takes two people to have a fight, so the partner who is leaving must simply refuse to respond to the other's anger. I know it can be hard, because people who know us well usually know how to push our buttons! We simply have to refuse to take the bait, and tell them that we're sorry that we have hurt them, but the relationship is not something we want to continue. Then wish them a happy life in the future and move on.
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October 11, 2009 07:59 PM
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I just broke up with someone without having a fight and we had been together just a couple of months. I found that I needed to do a little self-discovery before discussing it with him.
First I let him know the problems that I was having with the relationship and gave him a chance to change certain behaviors, but he didn't.
So, I was angry. But I also understood that I was angry at the situation and directing it at him. Don't talk to someone when you're angry with them. Wait (its tough, I know).
When I did speak with him, it was over the phone (because he knew it was coming so he was avoiding meeting me alone, in person).
All I said was that things weren't working out the way that I wanted, and that I thought it would be best for us to stop seeing each other. There was more to it, I let him know that I still liked him as a person but that we wanted different things.
Be accepting of the other person and their flaws. And let them know that even though the situation isn't working out for you, it doesn't reflect on them as a person. Just being incompatible or bad timing.
I found that it was best to keep it short.
Now, no matter what you say, the person you are dating is going to feel rejected. So, there's no fool proof way to ensure there will be no fight. Come to it with an open heart and compassion for the other person, and even if they do want to fight about it, you don't have to engage.
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First I let him know the problems that I was having with the relationship and gave him a chance to change certain behaviors, but he didn't.
So, I was angry. But I also understood that I was angry at the situation and directing it at him. Don't talk to someone when you're angry with them. Wait (its tough, I know).
When I did speak with him, it was over the phone (because he knew it was coming so he was avoiding meeting me alone, in person).
All I said was that things weren't working out the way that I wanted, and that I thought it would be best for us to stop seeing each other. There was more to it, I let him know that I still liked him as a person but that we wanted different things.
Be accepting of the other person and their flaws. And let them know that even though the situation isn't working out for you, it doesn't reflect on them as a person. Just being incompatible or bad timing.
I found that it was best to keep it short.
Now, no matter what you say, the person you are dating is going to feel rejected. So, there's no fool proof way to ensure there will be no fight. Come to it with an open heart and compassion for the other person, and even if they do want to fight about it, you don't have to engage.
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