First of all, get help. If you are projecting your issues from your past onto a new girlfriend, then maybe you shouldn't be dating right now. See a therapist. Hateful words, and feelings being spewed onto a person can damage the relationship for both of you. You will never feel she will trust you and she will never feel like you're getting over your ex wife or the issues associated with her, which is just as bad.

On top of that, emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse in many ways. While physical scars heal, the emotions do not seal up as easy.

Can you get her to forgive you? That's up to you. Actions speak louder than words. Show her you mean a lot to her and you're doing something to improve yourself (like therapy)

Good luck. It's not easy and I do feel your pain, but taking it out on another won't make that pain go away.

First, I will assume that you have acknowledged to yourself that you have been an abuser. You may or may not like this term but I think is key for you in understanding yourself and what she has been through. Hopefully you and your therapist discuss this. If not, then you might want to find one that specializes in abusive relationships.

Second, anyone who has been on the receiving end of an abusive relationship or knows about abusive relationships knows that there is a honeymoon period that follows the instances of abuse - the "oh it will never happen again" scenarios. The funny thing is that it always happens again. It might take a week, or a month, or a year, or longer. But the threat of the honeymoon phase ending is always there. And that, I'm assuming, is what she fears. And it's quite a legitimate fear. You sound like you understand this. I think that cloud will hang over your relationship for a long time to come.

But also there is the fact that your ex-wife will always be in the picture because you have a daughter. You can't disown your daughter because you don't want to deal with her mother. To do that, you will cause different kinds of hurt to someone being used as a pawn in a relationship struggle. I'm sure this isn't even an option. You need to alleviate that problem with your ex as much as possible, even if it means going through the court or a mediator in order to see your daughter and exchange custody and not have to deal with your ex-wife.

So because your ex will always be there, there is always the possibility for the past problems to reoccur because certain relationship and behavioral patterns are hard to break. This, I think, might also be her fear. Again, it's legitimate and difficult to really prove that it won't happen (because you won't know it will happen until it does - if that makes any sense. But then it's too late as the cycle has started over.)

The fact that you are getting help is good. The fact that you acknowledge what you have done is also good. I think these are roads to healing. But you have only been doing that for a few months. This isn't enough time most likely for you or her. How much time might be your next question, but of course that is impossible to tell. You need to let her go at her own pace. If you pressure her, then I think you will blow it. If you really want her back in your life, then I think you need to do it on her terms, no matter how long it takes.

Think of it this way too, what if she had written the question from her point of view - "I was in a really bad relationship for XX years. Whenever my boyfriend was upset with his ex-wife, he would do X, Y, Z. We have been separated now for a few months and I have been getting help to overcome the emotional abuse. Now he wants to get back together with me. He has been seeing a therapist, and he seems to be the person I originally fell in love with. Should I trust him?"

What kind of answers would she most likely get? If it were me, I would tell her to forget it and move on because the threat of the "what-if" is always there.

This is what you are working to overcome. It will not be easy.

The only advice I can offer is to be patient. Keep working at understanding and controlling yourself before bringing another person into the picture. If you do this consistently, over time she may reconsider.

Best of luck to you. For what it's worth, you do sound like you are going in the right direction.

The pertinent question is, how can YOU forgive and move forward? You cannot help your girlfriend with anything right now because you are still emotionally married to your ex. The best advice I heard when I divorced (20+ years ago) was to remove all those buttons that my ex liked to push. You see, you are still emotionally married as long as you are reacting and obsessing about how you will react "the next time she" hurts you, uses you, manipulates you. And how in the world can you move forward and engage in a truly intimate relationship with another woman when all that garbage is swirling around in your mind?

I understand that your ex is using your daughter, and that is a terrible thing that the ex will have to live with (ever heard of karma?). Once your daughter grows up, she will figure out for herself what her childhood was all about. Do you want to be part of her regret, or do you want to be a parent that she calls and relies on? She won't be a child forever, and you really cannot control the manipulations by the ex. However, you can get involved in therapy to help you detach from that relationship. You can seek legal action to make sure visitation rulings are being upheld. As your daughter gets older, you can keep in touch without involving the ex. The best invention in my world was the invention of cell phones. I could talk to the kids, and they to me, without having to go through the ex's screening process.

Remember, when all is said and done, the more fighting and hurt you two heap n each other, the worse it is for your daughter and your potential girlfriends (yep, I meant plural, because current GF is not going to stick around if things don't change).

Go to therapy.

Unfortunately, some people lash out at the wrong people when they're hurt or angry. The next time your ex acts in a hateful way, talk to your GF about why you're upset instead of taking it out on her. She sounds like an understanding person, since you're apparently still in the relationship. At least you're self-aware enough to understand why you behave the way you do, which is a plus.

It's too bad your ex wants to play head games with you. She's probably an unhappy person and it may make her even more miserable to see you in a good relationship, since she probably will never have one unless she drastically changes her ways.. She could be trying to drive a wedge between you and the GF. Don't fall for it! Pity her instead, and it may change your outlook.

you need more self esteem friend . Since you cant handle your ex wifes abuse you seem to be transferring your anger to those who love you .