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Your child in their late teens wants to date someone in their 30's, what do you do/say (if anything)?
Is an age gap like this a problem or just a concern?
Is it any of your business anyway?
Is your child's happiness and relationship the priority and not conforming with "social norms".
Have you ever found yourself in this situation, from either side?
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Is it any of your business anyway?
Is your child's happiness and relationship the priority and not conforming with "social norms".
Have you ever found yourself in this situation, from either side?
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September 28, 2009 05:43 PM
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If I have any control over them (let's say it's my daughter), and they're 16-17 years old, heck yeah! I'd do pretty much everything in my power to stop her from seeing this guy. I should know, I personally saw my parents wrestle with this type of dilemma (not as extreme): When my sister was 15 she started dating a 20 year old who lied about his age to them. Now she's 27 and dating a 45 year-old.
Here are just some of the problems I have with a relationship like this:
1. What is in it for this guy? It's pretty creepy for an older man to go trolling after young, fresh teenage meat. He shouldn't be part of the high school scene.
2. She is way too young, impressionable, and immature to understand a lot of life consequences and decisions. A man in his 30s is probably pretty accustomed to an active sexual life, and will likely pressure her.
3. She needs to live in her own high school world and be part of something normal. There's a time and place to date guys in their 30s....it's called age 30-60. She should date the immature teenage boys just like her who are just learning to drive, who have crappy part-time jobs, who are filling out college applications, and who have zits (just like her). She shouldn't try to grow up too fast.
4. The man is pretty grounded in life. He won't be moving when she goes to college. So what if she gets attached? Will she throw away her college career to be close with him? (Again, personal experience! My sister did just that. She still regrets that decision and is back in school now.)
I'll concede that there has been the very rare exception when the older man really is a decent guy who means no harm, but I wouldn't take any chances. And yeah, I do think it's my business. Until she's living on her own she's not "fully cooked". She still needs some time to learn from me the way to make responsible choices and how to manage her life. Part of that means knowing when a dating partner is appropriate or not. She shouldn't have to learn the hard way.
Just to give you an idea, this sister of mine I've mentioned above....the older guy she dated in high school who lied to my parents, you want to know what happened with them? She dropped out of college her freshmen year to be with him, strong-armed him into getting married when she turned 19, bought a house, he beat her up and broke most of her possessions, then announced one day she wasn't pretty enough to love anymore. Age 20, divorce. Age 21, house foreclosure. Age 22-present, living in my parents basement trying to rebuild her life. She's now going to school to be a doctor, but she's digging her way out of a pretty massive hole.
Parents, take a strong position on this. My parents regret everyday of their lives that they were too afraid to say no.
Here are just some of the problems I have with a relationship like this:
1. What is in it for this guy? It's pretty creepy for an older man to go trolling after young, fresh teenage meat. He shouldn't be part of the high school scene.
2. She is way too young, impressionable, and immature to understand a lot of life consequences and decisions. A man in his 30s is probably pretty accustomed to an active sexual life, and will likely pressure her.
3. She needs to live in her own high school world and be part of something normal. There's a time and place to date guys in their 30s....it's called age 30-60. She should date the immature teenage boys just like her who are just learning to drive, who have crappy part-time jobs, who are filling out college applications, and who have zits (just like her). She shouldn't try to grow up too fast.
4. The man is pretty grounded in life. He won't be moving when she goes to college. So what if she gets attached? Will she throw away her college career to be close with him? (Again, personal experience! My sister did just that. She still regrets that decision and is back in school now.)
I'll concede that there has been the very rare exception when the older man really is a decent guy who means no harm, but I wouldn't take any chances. And yeah, I do think it's my business. Until she's living on her own she's not "fully cooked". She still needs some time to learn from me the way to make responsible choices and how to manage her life. Part of that means knowing when a dating partner is appropriate or not. She shouldn't have to learn the hard way.
Just to give you an idea, this sister of mine I've mentioned above....the older guy she dated in high school who lied to my parents, you want to know what happened with them? She dropped out of college her freshmen year to be with him, strong-armed him into getting married when she turned 19, bought a house, he beat her up and broke most of her possessions, then announced one day she wasn't pretty enough to love anymore. Age 20, divorce. Age 21, house foreclosure. Age 22-present, living in my parents basement trying to rebuild her life. She's now going to school to be a doctor, but she's digging her way out of a pretty massive hole.
Parents, take a strong position on this. My parents regret everyday of their lives that they were too afraid to say no.
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September 28, 2009 07:34 PM
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I have not found myself in a situation like this. However, an age gap like this is at least a concern, if not a problem. I don't know that you're going to be able to convincingly sway a teenage from this situation, but it's at least worth a rational discussion with them.
I sort of understand why a teenager might be attracted to an older person. The most disturbing part is the 30-year-old. There is no compatibility between a person of this age and a teenager (beyond the physical). The fact that this person is interested in a teenager raises red flags. For a matured person to have a romantic interest in a person who is not completely matured and experienced suggests a possible problem with this older individual.
At the very least, you should talk with the teenager and explain that a match like this is going to present them with multiple problems beyond just age differences. There are emotional and maturity differences that are going to be hard to bridge.
Hope this helps.
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I sort of understand why a teenager might be attracted to an older person. The most disturbing part is the 30-year-old. There is no compatibility between a person of this age and a teenager (beyond the physical). The fact that this person is interested in a teenager raises red flags. For a matured person to have a romantic interest in a person who is not completely matured and experienced suggests a possible problem with this older individual.
At the very least, you should talk with the teenager and explain that a match like this is going to present them with multiple problems beyond just age differences. There are emotional and maturity differences that are going to be hard to bridge.
Hope this helps.
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September 28, 2009 08:43 PM
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Late teens........18 or 19???? If its that late we can state our opinion and like or dislike of the situation but at that age they are considered able to make their own decisions. If the age is under that I would not like it a bit. For one thing the older person needs to find a person closer to their own age. Teens have so much to look forward to and things they want to do that this 30 year old has already done. There are times when the age factor makes no difference at all. But there are certain ages when 10 or 12 years makes a world of difference. I am not one who really cares what society thinks about things....But I myself think thats too large an age span at that time in their life.
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September 28, 2009 10:22 PM
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If my child is 18 + years old and out of high school, then I feel it is fine if they date someone who is much older. If they are under 18, then no.
If this issue were to present itself when my child is 18 and older, of course I will put my guard up. However, I think I would rely on first and second impressions upon meeting this possible boyfriend/girlfriend instead of perceived notions based on significant age difference. I will remain aware of the circumstances under which they met (online, through friends, etc.). I think it would be wise to express any concern I have to my child, however, I would have to respect that they are capable of making decisions at that age. It would pretty much be the same routine if they were dating anyone though.
I don't even think I would have a say in the matter if my child were old enough. I met my fiance when I was 19. Granted, he wasn't in his 30's then, but he was 27. There is an 8 1/2 year age difference. Were my parents concerned? Sure. However, upon meeting him, they grew to like him. He has a good job. He's extremely supportive of the things I have done and still do. Age doesn't really affect our relationship.
I don't really agree with the idea that if a person dates a much younger or older person, then they have intentions. It is possible that age *is* nothing but a number in some relationships. Keep in mind that many people that are in their late teens or early 20's are extremely mature for their age. It is also possible for two people with a large age difference to have the same goals (like traveling the world, etc.), beliefs and interests that will make them compatible.
A parent really needs to keep an open-mind in this type of situation where they will allow it to happen but don't really agree. I think it is important to judge a person for who they are and not by their age.
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If this issue were to present itself when my child is 18 and older, of course I will put my guard up. However, I think I would rely on first and second impressions upon meeting this possible boyfriend/girlfriend instead of perceived notions based on significant age difference. I will remain aware of the circumstances under which they met (online, through friends, etc.). I think it would be wise to express any concern I have to my child, however, I would have to respect that they are capable of making decisions at that age. It would pretty much be the same routine if they were dating anyone though.
I don't even think I would have a say in the matter if my child were old enough. I met my fiance when I was 19. Granted, he wasn't in his 30's then, but he was 27. There is an 8 1/2 year age difference. Were my parents concerned? Sure. However, upon meeting him, they grew to like him. He has a good job. He's extremely supportive of the things I have done and still do. Age doesn't really affect our relationship.
I don't really agree with the idea that if a person dates a much younger or older person, then they have intentions. It is possible that age *is* nothing but a number in some relationships. Keep in mind that many people that are in their late teens or early 20's are extremely mature for their age. It is also possible for two people with a large age difference to have the same goals (like traveling the world, etc.), beliefs and interests that will make them compatible.
A parent really needs to keep an open-mind in this type of situation where they will allow it to happen but don't really agree. I think it is important to judge a person for who they are and not by their age.
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September 30, 2009 09:49 AM
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You are lucky of knowing the situation of your son since many children conceal from their parents their experiences in this field. It demonstrates that you have a good relation with your son and because of it , you have already solved a half problem.
You must speak with him and to make clear to him that the difference, not about the age, but of vital experiences specially in the sexual field, between the major woman and him can turn out traumatic in the formation of his vision of the sexual relations and that he might feel defrauded when such a person satisfies her desires with him and leaves him which inevitably will happen.
Nevertheless, if he insists in spite of your advices, you should let him free to do what he wants but he should promise to keep you informed in order that you could advise him in every step and try to avoid the possible bad effects of such relation.
And you, please,do not despair because this is only a stage in the life of your son and it will already pass soon. At the risk I could seem like a machist, I can assure you that the effects would be worse in case it would be a question about a young girl and not a child like yours.
The most important thing here is that you should keep a confidence relation with your son.
leoleonard from Spain
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You must speak with him and to make clear to him that the difference, not about the age, but of vital experiences specially in the sexual field, between the major woman and him can turn out traumatic in the formation of his vision of the sexual relations and that he might feel defrauded when such a person satisfies her desires with him and leaves him which inevitably will happen.
Nevertheless, if he insists in spite of your advices, you should let him free to do what he wants but he should promise to keep you informed in order that you could advise him in every step and try to avoid the possible bad effects of such relation.
And you, please,do not despair because this is only a stage in the life of your son and it will already pass soon. At the risk I could seem like a machist, I can assure you that the effects would be worse in case it would be a question about a young girl and not a child like yours.
The most important thing here is that you should keep a confidence relation with your son.
leoleonard from Spain
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