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Getting over a friend's death.
A thought popped in my head suddenly. A thought that made me laugh slightly, under my breath. It was an inside joke an old friend and i had shared. It made me feel warm and joyous. the kind of warmth that you cannot describe - but it was only for a moment.
warm feeling died soon after, and all the the joy became sour for i knew that this inside joke was only for her and i to know, and that no one would ever understand it besides us. but now, its just me. we had many of our secured laughs that we would roflmao about, but now they only remain in one place: me. i would never repeat them to anyone but her, which means i will never repeat them again.
it is strange how everyone dealt with the accident, their ways seemed to be the opposite of mine. when i was surrounded by pediatric doctors powerwalking about through the silent storm of tears adjacent to where the collapsed body of a beautiful, outgoing young redhead lays, my eyes were dry. i felt as if i was there only to comfort another that i cared about. one who cared about me once said "you're probably in shock, i know i would be too. it'll hit you in time, and when that time comes ill be there for you man." its been 7 months and nothing has "hit" me.
i tricked myself into believing she was alright. i live my life as if she is still in it, just in another place at the time. i text her and tell myself that she must be too busy doing her usual outrageous acts to texts me back. a fool is always blissful; i know this is unhealthy but i dont know what else to do other than fool myself. i wish i could really contact her, four words would be enough. i just want to say, "rachael, I miss you."
I always find myself in thought of myself, not egotistical but curious as to why i react this way. Why don't my emotions come out as salty drops of precipitation like everyone else's? i do not remember the last time i had done such a thing. Maybe i don't form that dark cumulonimbus inside that blocks the sun like most do. maybe it hasn't "hit" me because somewhere deep down, i expected this, and i know she would not have it any other way. she lived as if she was dying, and i few knew that she actually was.
I cannot cry. I've tried, i can't do it!!
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warm feeling died soon after, and all the the joy became sour for i knew that this inside joke was only for her and i to know, and that no one would ever understand it besides us. but now, its just me. we had many of our secured laughs that we would roflmao about, but now they only remain in one place: me. i would never repeat them to anyone but her, which means i will never repeat them again.
it is strange how everyone dealt with the accident, their ways seemed to be the opposite of mine. when i was surrounded by pediatric doctors powerwalking about through the silent storm of tears adjacent to where the collapsed body of a beautiful, outgoing young redhead lays, my eyes were dry. i felt as if i was there only to comfort another that i cared about. one who cared about me once said "you're probably in shock, i know i would be too. it'll hit you in time, and when that time comes ill be there for you man." its been 7 months and nothing has "hit" me.
i tricked myself into believing she was alright. i live my life as if she is still in it, just in another place at the time. i text her and tell myself that she must be too busy doing her usual outrageous acts to texts me back. a fool is always blissful; i know this is unhealthy but i dont know what else to do other than fool myself. i wish i could really contact her, four words would be enough. i just want to say, "rachael, I miss you."
I always find myself in thought of myself, not egotistical but curious as to why i react this way. Why don't my emotions come out as salty drops of precipitation like everyone else's? i do not remember the last time i had done such a thing. Maybe i don't form that dark cumulonimbus inside that blocks the sun like most do. maybe it hasn't "hit" me because somewhere deep down, i expected this, and i know she would not have it any other way. she lived as if she was dying, and i few knew that she actually was.
I cannot cry. I've tried, i can't do it!!
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December 01, 2009 03:23 AM
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You need to cry. You are pretending that she is still here for your own benefit. Don't think about how she died, but think about how she lived. I have lost so many people close to me, especially when I was younger. You have to mourn, you have to have closure.
Pretending that she is alive is not helping you cope with it. You can keep pretending, but what you should probably do is visit her grave (if she has one) or talk to her (if she doesn't). Not through text messages that you know she'll never see.
I'm sorry for your loss, but you need to feel it to move past it. Remember how she lived, that will no doubt let out some emotions that you've been bottling up. It's not healthy.
I feel for you, good luck.
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Pretending that she is alive is not helping you cope with it. You can keep pretending, but what you should probably do is visit her grave (if she has one) or talk to her (if she doesn't). Not through text messages that you know she'll never see.
I'm sorry for your loss, but you need to feel it to move past it. Remember how she lived, that will no doubt let out some emotions that you've been bottling up. It's not healthy.
I feel for you, good luck.
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December 01, 2009 07:17 AM
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If you have not cried in any form for the last 7 months, then I think it is time to relax that will of yours. Pretending she is busy and texting her isn't healthy. It is only prolonging the ajustment to her being gone.
I am sorry for this beautiful girl's death. You paint a beautiful picture if her life. Grief takes different amounts of time for each person, but I think you have to accept the facts before you can even begin. this will delay it immeasurably if you have not accepted the truth of the situation.
I hope you can find a way to accept her passing and then start the greiving process soon. It will be best for you.
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I am sorry for this beautiful girl's death. You paint a beautiful picture if her life. Grief takes different amounts of time for each person, but I think you have to accept the facts before you can even begin. this will delay it immeasurably if you have not accepted the truth of the situation.
I hope you can find a way to accept her passing and then start the greiving process soon. It will be best for you.
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December 03, 2009 05:55 AM
none of these answers will answer my question. i know all this is unhealthy, ive stated it in the question. i know letting it out and crying will help. i just dont know how. i relax my will and allow myself to be open but nothing happens. my eyes stay dry and my heart still aches.
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December 01, 2009 04:04 PM
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I don't know if you've done this already, but how about writing about these moments you had with each other? You seem to be a pretty skilled writer and this would be a good way to honor her memory.
Start writing about one moment you had and then continue on to others. You can also fill it with photos and other things that remind you of her.
Things do get better as time moves on, but that doesn't mean you've mourned for her already. It takes years for wounds to heal and for things to come back to what you referred to as 'normal'. Though you know deep down, things will never be the same, its a horrible reality we have to live with.
I can't tell you if what you're currently doing is right or wrong, only you know how you deal with things. Keep being introspective and aware of how you're doing. Its a continual learning process.
I wish you the best of luck and peace.
-b
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Start writing about one moment you had and then continue on to others. You can also fill it with photos and other things that remind you of her.
Things do get better as time moves on, but that doesn't mean you've mourned for her already. It takes years for wounds to heal and for things to come back to what you referred to as 'normal'. Though you know deep down, things will never be the same, its a horrible reality we have to live with.
I can't tell you if what you're currently doing is right or wrong, only you know how you deal with things. Keep being introspective and aware of how you're doing. Its a continual learning process.
I wish you the best of luck and peace.
-b
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December 03, 2009 05:58 AM
none of these answers will answer my question. i know all this is unhealthy, ive stated it in the question. i know letting it out and crying will help. i just dont know how. i relax my will and allow myself to be open but nothing happens. my eyes stay dry and my heart still aches.
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December 02, 2009 11:09 PM
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I am sorry for your lost. I lost a very special friend and after 10 years I still get sad and cry on the 'day'. The rest of the time is fine.
We all grieve differently, some people do it out in the open and some of us do it in private. I think perhaps you are dealing with Rachel death as she would. Would she want you to be sad, weepy and all gloomy? Looking at her photo I would say no way. She'd want you to smile, laugh and keep on living but still remember her on occasion.
If you are actually pushing the buttons and texting her that is different without a doubt. How about instead writing her a letter and then burning it. This way as the smoke rises she will get it in Heaven.
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We all grieve differently, some people do it out in the open and some of us do it in private. I think perhaps you are dealing with Rachel death as she would. Would she want you to be sad, weepy and all gloomy? Looking at her photo I would say no way. She'd want you to smile, laugh and keep on living but still remember her on occasion.
If you are actually pushing the buttons and texting her that is different without a doubt. How about instead writing her a letter and then burning it. This way as the smoke rises she will get it in Heaven.
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December 05, 2009 03:41 AM
I have been there. It was unfair to choose no best answer There was a lot of good advice given. Helpful Answer? (0)
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I too lost a close friend to a tragic accident when I was in high school. It has been over 14 years since his death and I still think about him to this day. I can't tell you that I have ever completely forgotten about him nor have I completely gotten over his death. However, what I can tell you is that it does get easier with time. I know what you mean about remembering things that you shared with her and being bothered by her no longer being there. Anger is a part of the process of healing from the loss of a loved one. Everyone goes through the grieving process differently. Not everyone cries, not everyone is comfortable talking about their feelings right away, and not everyone "heals" in the same amount of time. I find myself wondering where my friend would be now if he were still here and I wonder how things would be different if he had never died. I eventually got to a point where I had learned to accept his passing and that he would never come back (at least not physically.) I always have him in my thoughts and memories. I wrote down a lot of my favorite memories and about how I was feeling after he was gone. I put these writings as well as so trinkets and a sealed envelope with a letter written to him, in a box that I still have. It isn't big, but I occasionally think about him and that little box gives me comfort. This is just how I handled going through the grieving process, you will have to find your own way to move forward with your life. If, however, you feel you need help, there is no shame in asking for it. There are grief counselors that will be able to help you go through the grief process at your own personal pace, but they will be able to help you get through the rough patches.
I wish you lots of luck and I am truly sorry for the loss of your dear friend. She will forever live on in your loving memories of her.
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I wish you lots of luck and I am truly sorry for the loss of your dear friend. She will forever live on in your loving memories of her.
I have been there. It was unfair to choose no best answer There was a lot of good advice given. Helpful Answer?
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