I'm dealing with this same issue! I've noticed lately that if I let dishes pile up and run out or if I don't pick up after him or clean up after him that he'll eventually start cleaning up himself (dishes, sorting out the table, doing his own laundry, cleaning off his desk). It's nice to see him clean up anything, considering he hates cleaning! I've only been living with my boyfriend for 2 months now (and he's only been home altogether about 3 weeks out of that 2 months), but it's taking time to find our balance. I had to let go of my compulsive tendency to want everything to stay clean all the time and he's had to learn that I'm happy as long as he makes an effort.

Talk to your boyfriend. Explain that you would like to work out a system for chores (especially if he's home everyday). Make it a team effort so that he doesn't feel used or like you're trying to be his mother. For instance, if you're working on cleaning up the bathroom, ask him to help you by cleaning up the kitchen. Team work! He gets 50 points if he does it and does it well!!! (Set a limit for a prize....something like 200 points gets him some "fun time!") And he can do the same for you, too: setting up points for the chores you're doing for something "fun" for you!

Whatever you do, give it time and try not to fight over it.

If nothing else works, grit your teeth and brace yourself to see what happens if you let it pile up. After 4 days, if he still hasn't done anything, then do it yourself while he's in the room. If he starts asking you to stop cleaning and relax, simply say, "I can't take it anymore and I have to clean this mess up and I'm not stopping 'til it's done." If you're really lucky, he'll get up and come help - let him and thank him! Or, he very well may continue to whine and tell you that it can wait. Ignore him and if he tries to make you stop, then sternly look at him and say "No. I'm busy. I'll be done in a minute." Make it known that the mess had been driving you mad for days and you have to get it done. One good guilt trip and he should get the message. Mine did.

Mine still isn't the greatest at cleaning up, but he does make an effort and that's all I care about right now! I usually try to contain the mess every week by doing one good overhaul of the place while he's away on business so that when he comes home he's not just piling more mess on top of old mess. For now, this seems to work. It's when he's home for more than a few days that I get all thrown out of whack. We're still working on that one, though.... Like I said, TIME.

Good luck!

I don't know if you'll find this helpful or not, but I keep a perfect house all the time. I once had a new friend over who needed to be convinced that it was my primary residence - he couldn't believe it wasn't a demo or show home. When my girlfriend or friends come over, they know that I keep a "magazine quality" home and they treat it as such. Would it be possible to persuade your boyfriend to live a 'step above' (so to speak) so he could enjoy the benefits of living in a house that constantly sparkles? It's not half the work people say it is, and you get this really great feeling every time you walk in the door. Tell him that you'd like your home to be just as nice as his car/clothing/watch collection, or whatever it is that he already takes pride in.

You need to learn how to make him think it was his idea in the first place. For instance, say to him, "(sigh) I have been so busy with the dishes that the laundry hasn't gotten put away." He may surprise you and offer to put the laundry away.

Never ask him to do chores when he is doing something he really enjoys, like watching sports or playing video games. You will just seem like a nag.

If making him think it is his idea doesn't work, then you will need to sit down and divvy up the tasks so that he can help choose which tasks he can accomplish and are the least offensive to his delicate nature.

Here's what I do:

Make him a list. Make it daily if you have to. And post it on the fridge. Things he needs to do.

Then let him know about the list (make it seem like a breezy no big deal, "Oh, I just want to jot things down so I won't forget later"), and remind him to keep up with it and check jobs off as they get completed.

Then I wait for him to do his own jobs.

If I see that he hasn't checked ANYTHING off in a couple days, I give him one comment "Looks like the list is falling behind, you need to check some things off." And I let it go. Then when the dishes are piled up....or the bedspread is crumpled in a heap on the laundry room floor....or when the cupboard door finally falls of its hinges...I can just point to the list.

The great thing about a list is it's a reminder without nagging. It gives him his responsibilities in plain English and allows him to work at his own pace doing the chores that YOU want him to do at a pace HE would like to do them. Win-win.

And again, when he slacks, the list is your evidence (witness, judge, jury, & executioner) that he's not holding up his end of the household bargain.

My sweetheart and I went through this too. We had the talk and made a chart of everything that needed to be done daily, weekly, monthly. We were supposed to tick off whatever we did and those things that we both didn't want to do, we had to sort out. It wasn't too hard and it helped. But, there were times when the situation would lapse. I finally, nicely and sweetly, played my doomsday scenario. I was afraid I just was too busy to wash his clothes as well as mine or to iron his clothes. And, how was I to know where he wanted all those things he left around to go so I would take them to a non-public area and leave them in whatever way they fell. I also started to use the second bathroom (thank heavens we had one) and left him the ensuite which I did not use or clean. When I didn't want to, I just didn't cook and if he was hungry, he could cook for both of us - even if it were just scrambled eggs (which btw he does very well). And, I never, ever referred to any of this as 'helping out' as if it were my job he was 'helping' with. I still probably do the lion's share of the work around the house because, frankly, I have a higher need for cleanliness, but he now does a lot more as well. Because of this, 'doing things' around the house has not become a power play in our relationship.

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