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How can I shake a persistent new friend?
I know this sounds terrible, but last winter I made the acquaintance of a new possible friend who lives in my town and was eager (just like I) to get to know each other. We both need more girlfriends, and we have SOME things in common. The problem is that after months of occasional hanging out and phone calls, I'm only finding her more and more annoying. Our differences are too drastic and we just don't "click" as friends. I see it, and I'm surprised she can't.
I've tried dropping subtle hints and not returning phone calls as often as I should, but she still calls daily. How can I let her down gently and make it clear that we'll probably never be close friends? I really don't want to hurt her.
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I've tried dropping subtle hints and not returning phone calls as often as I should, but she still calls daily. How can I let her down gently and make it clear that we'll probably never be close friends? I really don't want to hurt her.
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September 27, 2009 04:40 PM
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I see your problem and I empathize. You've put yourself in her shoes, metaphorically, and can find no way of telling her how you feel without hurting her. And there is no way of telling someone that you find them annoying without causing them pain. It sounds as though this woman has glommed onto you as her only friend and she may have self-image and self-confidence issues which exacerbate the situation..
You mentioned that you both were anxious to add to your social circle when you met, possibly causing your level of friendship activity to accelerate faster than it might have if you both had a larger circle of friends. So perhaps the answer here is to involve her in more group activities, to introduce her (and possibly yourself) to a wider range of people through activities (bowling league, civic clubs, or bridge club, maybe) or classes (arts and crafts classes, perhaps). Having more acquaintances and building her self-esteem, she may begin to transfer some of her focus to other people, easing the pressure upon you.
You mentioned that you both were anxious to add to your social circle when you met, possibly causing your level of friendship activity to accelerate faster than it might have if you both had a larger circle of friends. So perhaps the answer here is to involve her in more group activities, to introduce her (and possibly yourself) to a wider range of people through activities (bowling league, civic clubs, or bridge club, maybe) or classes (arts and crafts classes, perhaps). Having more acquaintances and building her self-esteem, she may begin to transfer some of her focus to other people, easing the pressure upon you.
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• I think you've hit on some winning ideas. And I like that you really put some heart and kindness in this answer. Thank you.
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September 27, 2009 05:03 AM
When I Say No I Feel Guilty. Smith, Manuel Helpful Answer? (1)
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The fact that you are asking this question says that you have a problem being assertive. The answer of course is that you tell him that you don't really enjoy spending time with her and you want to see her less or not at all. You are nervous about this because you are worried that she won't like you after that, and so instead of being up front you are being manipulative.
You are not responsible for her feelings, and it is not possible to go through life without offending anyone. To even try is insurmountable.
Its also possible that by assertively telling her what it is that bothers you, that you can have a friendship that still works for both of you. But its your choice. You don't have to justify your feelings.
Try even the first 50 pages of this and you'll see what I mean:
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty
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You are not responsible for her feelings, and it is not possible to go through life without offending anyone. To even try is insurmountable.
Its also possible that by assertively telling her what it is that bothers you, that you can have a friendship that still works for both of you. But its your choice. You don't have to justify your feelings.
Try even the first 50 pages of this and you'll see what I mean:
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty
When I Say No I Feel Guilty. Smith, Manuel Helpful Answer?
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September 27, 2009 08:35 PM
You're mistaken in that I don't care whether or not she likes me afterward.
I am concerned for hurting her. That's a big difference. That's not an assertiveness issue, that's an issue with tactfulness. (Maybe I have a book suggestion for YOU!)
And yes, I think in a friendly and civilized world where we have shared some form of friendship, I do have to justify my feelings. I cannot so coldly disconnect myself as you suggest.
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I am concerned for hurting her. That's a big difference. That's not an assertiveness issue, that's an issue with tactfulness. (Maybe I have a book suggestion for YOU!)
And yes, I think in a friendly and civilized world where we have shared some form of friendship, I do have to justify my feelings. I cannot so coldly disconnect myself as you suggest.
September 27, 2009 05:20 AM
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I guess I have the same problem then because I usually just ignore stuff and hope it goes away. I don't think there's a nice way to say "I don't think we can be friends" or "I find you annoying", usually people will get the hint if you ignore them enough-- not answering the phone or returning phone calls says it all.
Friendships aren't the same as dating relationships where you can just tell someone it isn't working out or let's just be friends.
If she still persists after you ignore her and don't call her back I would think something is wrong with her.
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Friendships aren't the same as dating relationships where you can just tell someone it isn't working out or let's just be friends.
If she still persists after you ignore her and don't call her back I would think something is wrong with her.
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September 27, 2009 06:04 AM
me myself an i Helpful Answer? (1)
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she likes you...
that's what it is....
if you don't wanna hurt her feelings
find someone new to hang out with such as a girlfriend/boyfriend (sorry dont know if your a male or female)...
an then if she calls or text you just tell her that
you out with your girlfriend/boyfriend an he/she don't like you talking on the phone...
or you can just change your number :)
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that's what it is....
if you don't wanna hurt her feelings
find someone new to hang out with such as a girlfriend/boyfriend (sorry dont know if your a male or female)...
an then if she calls or text you just tell her that
you out with your girlfriend/boyfriend an he/she don't like you talking on the phone...
or you can just change your number :)
me myself an i Helpful Answer?
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September 27, 2009 06:24 AM
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I don't see an easy out on this one. You can either accept the situation as it is or be assertive as has already been mentioned. Think of how you would want someone else to tell you to get lost. How best could they could let you know that a relationship wasn't working? I personally would want someone to tell me straight up. I would also like them to tell me what they find annoying about me. This would give me a chance to evaluate the situation and decide if I needed to change or not.
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September 27, 2009 08:37 PM
Whereas, I would be CRUSHED if someone made a list of all the things that are annoying about me.
Assertiveness. Ah, isn't that an easy scapegoat? The truth is, I'm generally an OVERLY-ASSERTIVE person. So I'm trying to infuse this situation with a little sensitivity. And I had hoped to hear some sensitive advice.
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Assertiveness. Ah, isn't that an easy scapegoat? The truth is, I'm generally an OVERLY-ASSERTIVE person. So I'm trying to infuse this situation with a little sensitivity. And I had hoped to hear some sensitive advice.
September 28, 2009 02:41 PM
I'll go back to my original point, which you mistook I think. Assertiveness and sensitivity are not mutually exclusive, in fact they often go hand in hand.
Obviously I don't know you, but based on what you have written I doubt you are an assertive person. I suspect you are either too agressive, which you interpret as being overly assertive, or just passive, which is how you are dealing with your friend.
Assertiveness can't be overdone. It doesn't mean you are insensitive.
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Obviously I don't know you, but based on what you have written I doubt you are an assertive person. I suspect you are either too agressive, which you interpret as being overly assertive, or just passive, which is how you are dealing with your friend.
Assertiveness can't be overdone. It doesn't mean you are insensitive.
September 27, 2009 08:40 PM
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Whenever I have that problem I just ignore them.
I don't return calls, I don't answer emails, and if they sit down next to me at a pub or a bus and start chattering, I just pretend I can't see or hear them.
So far I've never seen it happen that they didn't eventually just go away.
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I don't return calls, I don't answer emails, and if they sit down next to me at a pub or a bus and start chattering, I just pretend I can't see or hear them.
So far I've never seen it happen that they didn't eventually just go away.
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