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How would you try to initiate contact with an estranged parent who refuses to talk to you and returns mail you send them?

If you haven't been able to get in contact with your parent for almost 6 years and you don't know whether they are doing okay (now that they are older), what measures would you undergo to get in touch with them? What if you are unsure of their address as well?
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lgalatea
lgalatea
Marked as Best! October 20, 2009 06:08 PM
I have been in this situation with my husband's father. The first step is to find people in his area who know him and ask them how he's doing. You'd be surprised what a post to former neighbors on Facebook can do. Ask other family members, old friends, church friends, and even old coworkers. Mention that you don't want anything, that you only want to know if your parent is okay. In the meantime, consider seeking a spiritual or social self-help group that specializes in family estrangement. Things may break down or your reconnection may never materialize. Support groups really do help with that.

Once you have communicated, stay neutral and very vanilla. Don't ask much. Don't talk about anything personal. Try not to bring up the past, even if feeling nostalgic. Dry conversation is probably the best bet for the first year. How is work? How is so and so? Watched any good movies lately? I know it will be very hard to deal with due to the fact that you likely desire more, but it has to be tiny baby steps. You will also likely have massive setbacks at first if there is hostility involved. Realize that if that happens, just take a break and then start back up with the plain relationship again.
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jkepler
jkepler
October 20, 2009 08:13 PM
If they refuse to talk to you and always return mail, I'd question whether I'd really want to get in contact. That being said, calling up one of their friends or neighbors might be an option. For their address you can try the whitepages, though if they move completely out of the area it might be harder to track it down. If they attend church, one of the better things you can do would be to simply call their pastor and ask about them! Churches are usually very interested in a community atmosphere and bringing people together.
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pats
pats
October 21, 2009 12:07 AM
If the mail is returned, you can not be sure that, it was returned by the parent. May be they have moved to a different place.

The best thing would be to talk face to face, express your love and gratitude, clear the differences through open communication.

Start with a greeting card or a Holiday gift or a phone call.

Go home for ThanksGiving or Christmas, when they can not stay MAD.
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dawnatday
dawnatday
October 21, 2009 03:42 PM
I understand, from personal experience, the deep desire to be connected to our roots, especially as we get older, but you can't force someone to have a relationship with you. I wouldn't recommend doing anything that could be taken as an invasion of privacy, such as contacting neighbors or the priest, or anything that could come off as intrusive, such as sending holiday cards. If you feel you must know if you have the correct address, check the tax records in your parents county. If you feel you must continue to attempt to contact them, send a simple note or card at anytime other than the holidays so that your intentions are clear & you aren't disturbing their holiday celebrations. But, I believe there comes a time that you must except that the estrangement may have nothing to do with you. Perhaps your parent is dealing with guilt or anger or any number of things that are a reflection of them, not you. It may be best to make yourself easy to contact by keeping a listed phone number & an email address that contains your first & last name, and just move on. Best of luck!
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dsaldridge
dsaldridge
October 21, 2009 04:33 PM
I wouldn't. I would let them know the door is open and leave it alone.
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