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Is it okay for parents to try to play matchmaker and set their children up with a certain partner?
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November 23, 2009 03:10 PM
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No, I don't think it is okay for parents to play matchmaker and set their children up with certain partner. Even if they are just children, parents have no right to dictate who their partner should be even with the best of intentions.
Parents should respect their child's choice of partner for love cannot be dictated. Maybe the nearest thing to matchmaking they could do is to introduce their child with each other and leave it at that. If something happens and they will learn to like each other that is good but if they will just remain friends then the parents should respect that.
Even if we conceived these children in our wombs, and give birth to them as babies, cared for them when they are children, we don't own their life. The parent's role is to care, love, provide, and support their children emotionally, physically, and spiritually. We are here to guide them, listen to them and give advice. But we don't have the right to choose who their partner is going to be. That is their life and I think children can grow up fast and mature enough to decide on whom they are going to choose as partners in life when the time comes for them to settle down and start their own family.
Parents should respect their child's choice of partner for love cannot be dictated. Maybe the nearest thing to matchmaking they could do is to introduce their child with each other and leave it at that. If something happens and they will learn to like each other that is good but if they will just remain friends then the parents should respect that.
Even if we conceived these children in our wombs, and give birth to them as babies, cared for them when they are children, we don't own their life. The parent's role is to care, love, provide, and support their children emotionally, physically, and spiritually. We are here to guide them, listen to them and give advice. But we don't have the right to choose who their partner is going to be. That is their life and I think children can grow up fast and mature enough to decide on whom they are going to choose as partners in life when the time comes for them to settle down and start their own family.
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November 23, 2009 03:33 AM
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(Disclaimer: I'm in the United States and am middle class, so my answer is heavily geared towards that culture. Others might be different.)
Probably not. I've seen this happen a lot of times, and every single time, the child ends up resenting it a bit. Even if the person he or she's set up with isn't completely repulsive, there's usually that underlying knowledge that hey, this is a date set up by my mom! (Or dad.)
What's more, there's always the risk that it'll come off as the parent being overly worried about his/her child being single. And that tends to cause more stress than anything. Either the child doesn't care that he or she is single, or is already deeply worried about it and doesn't need the external pressure.
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Probably not. I've seen this happen a lot of times, and every single time, the child ends up resenting it a bit. Even if the person he or she's set up with isn't completely repulsive, there's usually that underlying knowledge that hey, this is a date set up by my mom! (Or dad.)
What's more, there's always the risk that it'll come off as the parent being overly worried about his/her child being single. And that tends to cause more stress than anything. Either the child doesn't care that he or she is single, or is already deeply worried about it and doesn't need the external pressure.
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November 23, 2009 10:28 AM
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Well, in some cultures esp. Muslims, they're into this kind of situation and they call it 'betrothal'. I have many Muslim friends who oppose to it also but most often, the parents are the ones being followed. Well, I'm talking particularly about my friends here in the Philippines. I don't know about other countries' culture. And as a parent myself, I don't want to do it to my children in the future. But as long as I can, I want to know who their gf/bf's are. And I would advise them to find women who love their fathers or men who love their mothers because that's the way to know that they will love my children also as their partners.
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November 23, 2009 12:16 PM
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I think parents have to stay out of their children's relationships. (with exceptions) Unless the relationship is volatile then they need to make their own decision.
Why is it so important that our children get married? Some people live full successful lives and never get married, by choice. I have friends who never married and they like it that way. They dread going home for family gatherings and holidays because their parents are always badgering them on when they are getting married. Getting married is not important for them. They chose a different path to follow.
so, no, I think that it is inappropriate for a parent to 'set up' their child with someone. We need to remember that although they are our children, they are also adults. They deserve their privacy and parents need to respect their decisions.
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Why is it so important that our children get married? Some people live full successful lives and never get married, by choice. I have friends who never married and they like it that way. They dread going home for family gatherings and holidays because their parents are always badgering them on when they are getting married. Getting married is not important for them. They chose a different path to follow.
so, no, I think that it is inappropriate for a parent to 'set up' their child with someone. We need to remember that although they are our children, they are also adults. They deserve their privacy and parents need to respect their decisions.
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November 23, 2009 10:08 PM
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I suppose I view the question not so much as it it okay or not, but rather is it to be expected.
In that sense, I believe it is understandable for certain personality of parents to try and play matchmaker. I see nothing wrong in that. For many it is perceived as a parental duty. Where I would draw the line is if my opinion on the matter were not to be listened to.
If my mom would have fixed me up with someone (thankfully she never did, LOL) I would have hoped that she would have asked me first to listen to my opinion about the person. Then if I approved, proceed. If she just would have suckered me into a blind date, then I would have been rightfully upset at her.
Basically, parents should have the leeway to do things which sometimes can be silly for their adult kids benefit, as long as they respect that all final decisions related to accepting or declining such assistance rests with their kids as well.
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In that sense, I believe it is understandable for certain personality of parents to try and play matchmaker. I see nothing wrong in that. For many it is perceived as a parental duty. Where I would draw the line is if my opinion on the matter were not to be listened to.
If my mom would have fixed me up with someone (thankfully she never did, LOL) I would have hoped that she would have asked me first to listen to my opinion about the person. Then if I approved, proceed. If she just would have suckered me into a blind date, then I would have been rightfully upset at her.
Basically, parents should have the leeway to do things which sometimes can be silly for their adult kids benefit, as long as they respect that all final decisions related to accepting or declining such assistance rests with their kids as well.
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November 24, 2009 10:34 AM
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In the far flung village where I used to live, parents betrothed their children. It was a practice that yielded almost zero divorces and separations. This is because parents could already select someone whom they know could be a good provider. More often than not, Their choice was a good one. Both betrothed children later on in adult life marry with only one expectation: that the man is the provider and the woman is in charge of the home. With these two expectations, the marriage would last longer, because of these.
As society evolved and the natives were able to obtain an education, most of them stopped this practice. Couples then, married only when they purported "to love" each other. Since they had this "love" for each other, they tended to be idealistic and sometimes unrealistic with their expectations. When these needs were not satisfied or met, then divorces and separations occured.
So, the best option should be the parent having a say in the choice of the children's partner.
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As society evolved and the natives were able to obtain an education, most of them stopped this practice. Couples then, married only when they purported "to love" each other. Since they had this "love" for each other, they tended to be idealistic and sometimes unrealistic with their expectations. When these needs were not satisfied or met, then divorces and separations occured.
So, the best option should be the parent having a say in the choice of the children's partner.
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November 25, 2009 12:31 PM
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I would ask myself if I wanted my parents to do that to me, if not then I simply do not do it. I would not want my parents playing matchmaker for me, as I can decide for myself who I wish to date. I know my children as 17, 19, and 22 can also decide for themselves on dating issues.
However if they were in an abusive relationship, I would certainly point that out. I would talk to my children, say hey this is not right, and help them get out of it. If one of my children were the aggressor here, well they would not hear the end of it.
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However if they were in an abusive relationship, I would certainly point that out. I would talk to my children, say hey this is not right, and help them get out of it. If one of my children were the aggressor here, well they would not hear the end of it.
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