Conundrum Next Conundrum
My girlfriend dislikes me talking to my ex. My ex is also my best friend and we still have feelings for each other.
I love my girlfriend to death, but I also love Stephie (my ex). Stephie and I know we still have feelings for each other, but we are both mature about it. She understands that I am happy with my relationship and even though jealousy consumes her thoughts, she remains being my best friend. I don't have a problem with my girlfriend talking to her friends who are guys (most of them are also her ex boyfriends) because i trust her. However, she has a problem with me talking to Stephie, she wants me to stop but she wants it to be my choice. Her words were "It really bothers me but you don't have to stop."
My question is whether or not this is a good plan.
I am going to keep talking to Stephie because i couldn't stand losing another loved one, but I am not going to talk to her when I am with my girlfriend (texting). I am not going to lie to anyone, I am just going to keep the fact that we talk to myself unless I am asked directly.
Is this a good plan?
Interesting Question?
Yes (0)
No (0)
My question is whether or not this is a good plan.
I am going to keep talking to Stephie because i couldn't stand losing another loved one, but I am not going to talk to her when I am with my girlfriend (texting). I am not going to lie to anyone, I am just going to keep the fact that we talk to myself unless I am asked directly.
Is this a good plan?
- In Love and Relationships |
- |
- Report |
-
Share
RSS
6 answerers thought this was unfair.
Answers (6)
November 27, 2009 06:53 PM
(0)
(0)
Permalink |
Report
This is not a good idea. You need to be with one or the other of them. If you are not willing to give up Stephanie and know that "jealousy consumes her thoughts", you are still in a way committed to her, and not willing to give your heart 100% to your new gf. This sounds like there is a legitimate reason that your gf is worried about this situation.
I do not mind if my husband talks to ex-gf's and his ex-wife, but he does not still have feelings for them, nor are they jealous of us. My ex husband had several gf's that he would keep stringing along so that he always had a back up plan for if I left him. That is why he is now my ex-husband.
How would you like knowing that your gf still had feelings for her ex, was calling him and not telling you, and you knew that he was jealous of you and wanted her back? Would that make a difference? Would you think she was keeping him around for a reason?
Helpful Answer?
I do not mind if my husband talks to ex-gf's and his ex-wife, but he does not still have feelings for them, nor are they jealous of us. My ex husband had several gf's that he would keep stringing along so that he always had a back up plan for if I left him. That is why he is now my ex-husband.
How would you like knowing that your gf still had feelings for her ex, was calling him and not telling you, and you knew that he was jealous of you and wanted her back? Would that make a difference? Would you think she was keeping him around for a reason?
(0)
(0)
Permalink |
Report
Reply
November 27, 2009 07:25 PM
(1)
(0)
Permalink |
Report
Having been the "girlfriend" in this exact situation I may be biased, just as a note.
No matter what reason you decided to move on from Stephie, you did. At this point if you are serious about the new gf you need to think of her feelings first and foremost, that's what love is. You owe it to her as a respectable, decent woman to treat her with all the respect that entails.
Either move on from the friend until your feelings for her fade, or move on from your new gf and stop dragging her along.
Saying it's okay because she has male friends isn't really fair, I'm gonna bet she's okay with most of your female friends, it's just THIS friend that bothers her, and with good right you have admitted you still have feelings for your exe.
Helpful Answer?
No matter what reason you decided to move on from Stephie, you did. At this point if you are serious about the new gf you need to think of her feelings first and foremost, that's what love is. You owe it to her as a respectable, decent woman to treat her with all the respect that entails.
Either move on from the friend until your feelings for her fade, or move on from your new gf and stop dragging her along.
Saying it's okay because she has male friends isn't really fair, I'm gonna bet she's okay with most of your female friends, it's just THIS friend that bothers her, and with good right you have admitted you still have feelings for your exe.
(1)
(0)
Permalink |
Report
Reply
November 28, 2009 12:56 AM
If you have to resort to dishonesty just to keep someone happy, you've picked the wrong person to be with - or they have.
You should be able to talk about everything. I agree with @unwirklich. It's called "breaking up" for a reason. The relationship wasn't working.
When I found the woman I wanted to be with, NO ONE was as important or necessary in my life. Sure, I have friends from before but when push comes to shove, the woman I'm with now always comes first. If she didn't, why pretend we're together at all?
Besides, if your gf was attracted to boys her relationship with them might be perceived as more of a threat. It's obvious that both of you are attracted to women so your own ex IS more of a concern.
Either go back to your ex (and work out why you stopped being together) or let the friendship take a backseat to your new relationship. Having both is what a guy would call (or be accused of) playing the field.
The fact that you're willing to lie (or you can sugarcoat it by calling it being non-confrontational) to your gf about your ex makes it pretty clear where your hearts loyalty lies. It was that realization in my own life that helped me choose the woman I'm with now. My best friend ever, through all my other relationships. They couldn't understand why I kept my friendship with her even though I was with them either. Turns out the reason was that I loved my best friend more than my girlfriends! We're married now, thankfully. No more confusion, no more making excuses or trying to keep things on the down low.
Report
You should be able to talk about everything. I agree with @unwirklich. It's called "breaking up" for a reason. The relationship wasn't working.
When I found the woman I wanted to be with, NO ONE was as important or necessary in my life. Sure, I have friends from before but when push comes to shove, the woman I'm with now always comes first. If she didn't, why pretend we're together at all?
Besides, if your gf was attracted to boys her relationship with them might be perceived as more of a threat. It's obvious that both of you are attracted to women so your own ex IS more of a concern.
Either go back to your ex (and work out why you stopped being together) or let the friendship take a backseat to your new relationship. Having both is what a guy would call (or be accused of) playing the field.
The fact that you're willing to lie (or you can sugarcoat it by calling it being non-confrontational) to your gf about your ex makes it pretty clear where your hearts loyalty lies. It was that realization in my own life that helped me choose the woman I'm with now. My best friend ever, through all my other relationships. They couldn't understand why I kept my friendship with her even though I was with them either. Turns out the reason was that I loved my best friend more than my girlfriends! We're married now, thankfully. No more confusion, no more making excuses or trying to keep things on the down low.
November 27, 2009 11:22 PM
(0)
(0)
Permalink |
Report
If you still have feelings for your ex and vise-versa then I do not think this is a good idea... You would be taking a big chance if you were to continue in secret to talk to an ex because if your current girl finds out you take a big chance of losing her.. It is one thing to have an ex you are close to.. It is another to have feelings for one another... If she has asked you to stop then she must think there is a good reason for it... so I think you are going to have to pick one who means more to you? Which one can you stand to lose? Either way I do not think it is a good idea...
Helpful Answer?
(0)
(0)
Permalink |
Report
Reply
November 28, 2009 05:02 AM
(0)
(0)
Permalink |
Report
It does sound like you have not committed to breaking up with Stephie and you like that she is consumed with jealousy. I think Jealousy with an ex means there is still a chance to rekindle that romance then you would have to make a very hard decision which would undoubtedly hurt your GF. This isn't a good situation at all. It is asking well begging to blow up in your face.
Helpful Answer?
(0)
(0)
Permalink |
Report
Reply
November 28, 2009 07:15 PM
(0)
(0)
Permalink |
Report
You maybe thinking you are doing nothing wrong but you are. Trust dosent just mean not hooking up with your ex but giving her attention takes away from your current mate. Giving your full attention to your girlfriend will set the boundries in the relationship. She expects you to be an adult. To make mature decisions abut your relationship. You need to show her you are willing to take the next step to keep her number one in your life. Your ex girlfriend should know better. She would never have let you talk to someone else if she didnt then you would more than likely not be exes. Your ex and you need to end the relationship or you need to end your relationship with your current girlfriend. Nothing ever good comes from having close relationships with fromer mates.
Helpful Answer?
(0)
(0)
Permalink |
Report
Reply
November 29, 2009 02:05 PM
(0)
(0)
Permalink |
Report
I say stay away from the ex or simply have a platonic relationship. But if you say that you still have feeling for each other, then that's another story. You're just inviting complications. Your current girlfriend has the right to ask because she's the one you're involved with at the moment. You're plan is the same as lying (only, a little less conspicuous, wouldn't you say?) Peace! I hope this helps.
Helpful Answer?
(0)
(0)
Permalink |
Report
Reply
Answer this Question
View All Love and Relationships QuestionsAsk a Conundrum
Please visit these retailers to purchase Conundrum or find the wine at these fine restaurants:
-
1321 Main St
-
1115 Main St
-
699 St Helena Hwy
-
1991 St Helena Hwy
- Twitter currently unavailable
joshoimo