It depends, are you willing and ready to walk away? Ultimatums are often viewed as the tools of the desperate or manipulative. Some will reject an ultimatum on principle alone.

Has the relationship has reached a point where you feel that it is only worthwhile if the next step is taken?

I know this is not traditional, but have you considered proposing to him? It will let him know how serious your feelings are and it is quite a bit more romantic then issuing an ultimatum.

I don't like to say you are giving him an ultimatum (though you are). It is very appropriate to set boundaries. If you are tired of waiting and want to move on with your life, do so. Let him know if he is not ready to commit then you are moving on. It is not so much telling him what he should do, it is stating that given a certain set of circumstances, this is what you are going to do. Being honest and clear with your intentions is a mature way to handle most situations. If, however, you are just trying to manipulate him, you are headed down a risky path. Manipulation does not lead to happy, contented, peaceful living. Communication is key to any good marriage. Now would be a good time to start!

No. If you are tired of waiting propose yourself. You can wait for Sadie Hawkins Day if you're old fashioned.

Is there a reason you cannot propose? We girls can do that. Nothing says we girls cannot propose. I proposed to Ray in 2/08 he never answered. If you do give an ultimatum, stick to it or he will walk all over you.

I was dating Ray since 3/06) but a few weeks ago after having Ray spend basically the past 8 months here in my home, he got the ultimatum, ether officially move in and help me with bills or hit the road. He keeps his own apartment yet never spent time there. I am struggling with bills, support 2 kids, pay a mortgage, and will not pay for an able-bodied man. Ray did not want to pay, but wanted to stay. Now I am alone, but surviving.

Nope. No ultimatums. They force people (in this case, men) to do things they might not be ready to do yet out of fear. I've seen a few marriages in my family alone (including my sister) where ultimatums were handed out, so the guys bit and agreed to get married. Not one of those marriages lasted more than 3 years and was miserable. In 2 of the 3 marriages, the husband cheated. In all 3, the husband said "I never should've let you talk me into this!".

If anything goes wrong he'll always blame you. If life doesn't turn out the way he wants, he'll blame you.

Here's the thing, if you've reached the end of your rope, just walk away. You need to either be happy being his girlfriend, or you need to walk away. If you head out the door and it makes him realize on his own that he wants to grow old hand-in-hand with you, then GREAT! But you can't dangle the marriage issue over his head. And you can't wait forever.

I'm sorry. Take a deep breath and decide if you need a change or if you can stay stationary in your life. Make the decision yours, not his.

An ultimatum has a confrontational tone to it. If you want to get married, you need to know if he feels the same way. You can either propose directly, or tell him how you feel, and ask him what he's thinking and feeling.

I think you can have a frank discussion without an ultimatum.

"I really need to have a permanent commitment from my partner. We've been dating for a long time, things are going well and I would like to make that commitment with you. This is really important to me and I don't want to wait any longer. What do you think?"

Note that there was no, "Marry me or else. . ." in that phrasing. It was merely a non-threatening open discussion. If this conversation doesn't lead to a ring and a date in the near future, realize that he doesn't want the same thing that you do and move on. The next day start untangling your lives and then get ready to look for a new partner. This approach lets you each remain in control of your individual lives and is far more respectful than an ultimatum.

An "or else" ultimatum will likely result in one of the following bad results:
* He proposes with reservations and you end up with a bad marriage that should have been avoided
* He proposes sincerely but you never quite believe it because in you had to "force" him
* He loves you, but the ultimatum triggers a hostile reaction from him and he leaves
* He doesn't want to marry you, but isn't ready to lose/hurt you so he agrees and then backs out later

To me an ultimatum is an opening of hostilities and is aggressively manipulative and threatening, which is a bad way to start a marriage or gracefully end an otherwise pleasant relationship.

No. You should never try to force anyone to do something against their will. It is their perogative to not propose if they aren't ready and, frankly, why would you want to marry someone by force? It's as bad as forcing someone to have sex when they don't want to. Now, what you DO have the right to do is begin shying away from that person. If you and he are on different wavelengths, it may behoove you to begin not being available here and there for phone calls to dates. I am not proposing coercing the person into proposing to you by withholding sex or companionship. I am merely introducing the concept that perhaps you and he need to somewhat go your separate ways for awhile to either give you the chance to meet someone who is more ready for the step you are ready to take, or to show the both of you how important you are to each other, depending on how things play out.