Answered Conundrum Next Conundrum

dtvrivera dtvrivera

Would you tell your best friend, if you knew her husband of 10 years was cheating on her?

What about if he also tried to make a go at you?
Interesting Question? Yes (1) No (0)
RSS

Best Answer Chosen by Asker

quesera
quesera
Marked as Best! October 22, 2009 08:21 PM
Definitely. Cheaters may be exposing their spouses to disease, so it's a matter of her physical safety. Be ready with some proof, but also be ready for however she reacts. If she believes you, be ready to comfort her and help her through the break up. If she accuses you of trying to steal her husband, or just being a liar, I would caution you to be ready to lose her as a friend, but don't get angry back. The last thing you want to do is have her come to you in six months saying she has herpes or HIV, and you'll know you could have done something about it. Just let her know it was your obligation as a friend, and you're always going to be honest with her, even if that means she doesn't want to talk to you anymore.

I would avoid offering her any advice, because what she wants to do with her cheating husband is her business. It is your obligation to warn her, not talk her into leaving him, going to counseling, or anything else. If she stays with him, don't judge her. You may not agree, but it is her marriage, and you may be the best friend she has if you offer her a supportive shoulder.
Asker's Rating:
Helpful Answer? (1)   (0)
Permalink | Report
Reply

Other Answers (4)
Sort By

raerae2
raerae2
October 21, 2009 04:15 AM
Yes I would tell her and hope for the best. She will be very angry, but if she's strong enough and you tell her in the right way - out of concern for her happiness and her right to know. Chances are, if you know about his philandering and he did make a pass at you then you're no longer comfortable around your own best friend. This is an issue you have to address immediately for the sake of your friendship and your right to not feel threatened or guilty (even though the guilt is his, not yours). Tell your friend and be ready to roll with the punches, but stand by your allegations and be ready to prove them if you can. If you can't prove to her that he is cheating, then simply tell her about him hitting on you and tell her you're concerned that he may be straying, but you can't say for sure. (If nothing else, putting it that way will cover your back and keep you from getting stuck in the middle.)
Helpful Answer? (1)   (0)
Permalink | Report
Reply
michelleld...
michelleld...
October 21, 2009 05:35 PM
Yes and yes.

I have had to do this before, and it's not easy either. Sometimes, women really do know and just don't want to know. They'll ignore it, pretend they don't see it, try to make believe life is good. Sometimes, you'll find revealing a secret like this isn't really a secret at all.

But when it really IS a secret, there is a responsibility for friendships to be honest, and if it were me, I'd want to know.

I lost a friend over telling her that her husband made a pass at me. She accused me of making it up and then accused me of making passes at him instead. She stayed with him.

Years later, they broke up, divorced, and she came back around and told me, "You know, I knew he was cheating. I believed you when you told me. I was just so embarrassed."

It's sad the cheat-ee had to be embarrassed. It's the cheater who's doing wrong. Anyway, she thanked me for being honest with her. The thanks felt good, but didn't repair the hurt I'd felt.

Even with the hurt though, if I had it to do over again, I would. It was the right thing to do and my integrity is in tact because of it. Had I not told her, I would have had a hard time continuing a friendship with her, because of my own integrity--I'd feel like the cheater myself.
Helpful Answer? (1)   (0)
Permalink | Report
Reply
psionandy
psionandy
October 22, 2009 09:29 PM
Yes I would...

Its not going to be an easy conversation to have, I'd really rather not do it at all. But part of being a good friend is that you're willing to do things for them that you'd really rather not.

Its hard, because I know its something that she wouldn't want to hear. But if its true its something that she needs to. And she'll need to hear it from a friend or the consequences will be worse
Helpful Answer? (0)   (0)
Permalink | Report
Reply
flint
flint
October 22, 2009 11:58 PM
Yes, and Yes. You just have to. Sure it'll be awkward at first, and your friend may even blame you and misdirect some anger your way. but it will pass. Look at it the other way around.

If your husband was cheating on you and hitting on your friends, wouldn't you want to know?

Look at how you'd like to be treated and there is your answer
Helpful Answer? (0)   (0)
Permalink | Report
Reply

Answer this Question


View All Love and Relationships Questions

Ask a Conundrum


140 characters left

Categories

Large Glass of Conundrum Wine

Welcome to ConundrumLand

Please enter your zip code.