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You made a naive promise to a parent 30 years ago. You could not have foreseen extenuating circumstances. Do you keep your pledge?
You are an only child of an only child. As a young adult, you promised your mother that you would never force her to go to a skilled care facility later in life.
In the last 10 years, you have provided 24/7 care for her in your home a total of six and a half years, off and on. The last two years care has been continuous. At this point, loss of sight, advanced senile dementia, and combativeness require round the clock care. You have no family to assist you.
Physically, she is strong. There is no end in sight. You've kept your promise thus far, but you are emotionally and physically drained by the constant care requirements, your marriage is strained, your health is impacted, and you have become clinically depressed.
Do you keep your pledge and continue caring for her by yourself, in your home?
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In the last 10 years, you have provided 24/7 care for her in your home a total of six and a half years, off and on. The last two years care has been continuous. At this point, loss of sight, advanced senile dementia, and combativeness require round the clock care. You have no family to assist you.
Physically, she is strong. There is no end in sight. You've kept your promise thus far, but you are emotionally and physically drained by the constant care requirements, your marriage is strained, your health is impacted, and you have become clinically depressed.
Do you keep your pledge and continue caring for her by yourself, in your home?
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October 15, 2009 08:15 AM
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I am sure when you were young and naive you had no idea what it would mean to care for someone 24/7. I work with dementia patients in a special ward in our nursing home. It isn't an easy job. Not only is it physically taxing but it is mentally, emotionally and psychologically taxing as well.
I also made that promise to my in laws and to my family when I was young and thought that caring for an aging adult would be like "baby-sitting" a kid. In the end, we had to take my father-in-law to a skilled care facility because, even with 3 other family members helping, it was just too much for us.
They often times don't realize that they have deteriorated as much as they have and they will become combative, angry, paranoid and seem like a different person than the sweet mother who raised you with love and kindness. She can actually become a danger to herself and you as well.
My father-in-law was not the same person when we got help by admitting him. It was agony and weighed heavy on my heart. For about a week I felt as I had failed him. But I realized that we were able to properly care for him by ourselves. The skilled care facility (also where I worked) has trained professionals to help us and him deal with the daily changes when you have dementia.
My heart goes out to you. It is agonizing to go back on your words. But age and wisdom trumps youth and naivety every time. This is one time when I would stop and think about what would be best for her. She can come for visits still and you can still see her as often as you want. You're not locking her in jail never to see her again. You'll be helping her (and you). These places have activities for them throughout the day. Our unit has extra staff so we can have more one on one time for interaction. Ours has sensory boxes where you can spend time with her reminiscing. And the visits will be less stressful knowing that you can leave her in good care and go home without the weight of the world on your shoulders when she becomes combative, angry or agitated.
They will let you visit the place first and ask many questions if you'd like. If you put her in a facility and decide it was the biggest mistake you ever made, you can always take her home again.
I also made that promise to my in laws and to my family when I was young and thought that caring for an aging adult would be like "baby-sitting" a kid. In the end, we had to take my father-in-law to a skilled care facility because, even with 3 other family members helping, it was just too much for us.
They often times don't realize that they have deteriorated as much as they have and they will become combative, angry, paranoid and seem like a different person than the sweet mother who raised you with love and kindness. She can actually become a danger to herself and you as well.
My father-in-law was not the same person when we got help by admitting him. It was agony and weighed heavy on my heart. For about a week I felt as I had failed him. But I realized that we were able to properly care for him by ourselves. The skilled care facility (also where I worked) has trained professionals to help us and him deal with the daily changes when you have dementia.
My heart goes out to you. It is agonizing to go back on your words. But age and wisdom trumps youth and naivety every time. This is one time when I would stop and think about what would be best for her. She can come for visits still and you can still see her as often as you want. You're not locking her in jail never to see her again. You'll be helping her (and you). These places have activities for them throughout the day. Our unit has extra staff so we can have more one on one time for interaction. Ours has sensory boxes where you can spend time with her reminiscing. And the visits will be less stressful knowing that you can leave her in good care and go home without the weight of the world on your shoulders when she becomes combative, angry or agitated.
They will let you visit the place first and ask many questions if you'd like. If you put her in a facility and decide it was the biggest mistake you ever made, you can always take her home again.
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• Thank you for your answer and for sharing your experience. It was difficult to choose best answer, this time, because there were some very good answers and suggestions. The dilemma I posed here was my mother's dilemma. My father and I finally staged an intervention for my mother's health (both physical and mental). The result was that my maternal grandmother went first to an assisted living home which was very high quality, and finally to a skilled nursing care facility. As many noted, keeping this sort of promise at the cost of your life is not reasonable or expected.
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October 15, 2009 07:16 AM
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I would consider the last ten years a 'due paid', and get help. I would try to get some in-between solution, like professional help in-house, but if all of that is impossible, I would feel obliged to break my promise, and get her into a professional care facility.
I am sure my mother would not want me to keep up my promise at the cost of my own life, but still I would feel guilty about it, even though the professional care she would get is way better than anything I could provide her.
I would definitely try to be present at the facility as much as possible, which I think is the major reason she didn't want to be sent there: Fear of being forgotten.
I am sure my feeling of guilt will keep me from 'forgetting', and I think the final solution will be a better situation for all: I keep my sanity, my mother gets all the care she needs, and I can give her more personal attention and affection than I could when I was taking full care of her.
This scenario is actually not too far fetched from my possible personal situation. I am a single child, and my mother detests the 'professional care houses', but I'll make sure I'll never promise her anything like this. I'll try to take really good care of her when needed, but she has to realize there is a limit to what family can do, however hard that is. I really hope this situation is still far, far ahead in the future, but your question has made me think about it anyway. Thanks for that.
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I am sure my mother would not want me to keep up my promise at the cost of my own life, but still I would feel guilty about it, even though the professional care she would get is way better than anything I could provide her.
I would definitely try to be present at the facility as much as possible, which I think is the major reason she didn't want to be sent there: Fear of being forgotten.
I am sure my feeling of guilt will keep me from 'forgetting', and I think the final solution will be a better situation for all: I keep my sanity, my mother gets all the care she needs, and I can give her more personal attention and affection than I could when I was taking full care of her.
This scenario is actually not too far fetched from my possible personal situation. I am a single child, and my mother detests the 'professional care houses', but I'll make sure I'll never promise her anything like this. I'll try to take really good care of her when needed, but she has to realize there is a limit to what family can do, however hard that is. I really hope this situation is still far, far ahead in the future, but your question has made me think about it anyway. Thanks for that.
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October 15, 2009 09:33 AM
I sincerely hope that you do not ever have to face this question. If you must face this dilemma, I hope it will be several decades away for you. Your ideas are all good ones I appreciate your response.
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October 15, 2009 12:02 PM
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I'm a different person now than 30 years ago 46/16. Then I might have promised "never to hav sex without a condom". That made a LOT of sense then but would really reduce the chances of producing a grandchild.
In some cases you should talk to your parents and say "I've changed..." but in my example I wouldn't tell my parents!
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In some cases you should talk to your parents and say "I've changed..." but in my example I wouldn't tell my parents!
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October 15, 2009 01:56 PM
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If she were mentally sound you would be able to keep your promise but you are ruining your health by trying to stand by your promise. Even though you are doing your best and she is getting good care, she would be better off and safer with people who are trained to deal with her particular problems.
At this rate, if you don't break your promise you won't be around for her at all.
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At this rate, if you don't break your promise you won't be around for her at all.
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October 15, 2009 01:56 PM
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From my experience with my mother and grandmother......my mother promised to not put her mother in a nursing home, however, my grandmother had senile dementia and couldn't remember who anyone was, she would steal her car keys (which she only found once) and drove the car under the house, blaming small children. There is only so much you can do for the ones you love, and in my opinion, parents should never ask us not to put them in assisted living or nursing home facilities. You are an only child, you pass away before they do, who would take care of them then? I am not trying to sound hard or cold, I just know what my mother went through, and once she put Nanny in the nursing home she lived a long while but my mother had the peace of mind knowing she was being taken care of, and nothing bad would happen to her. Good luck dear, may you be able to get peace of mind soon....
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October 15, 2009 03:43 PM
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I took care of my Grandmother for 11 months at home who had alzheimer's dementia. Only Grandchild, and it was the hardest thing I ever did. When I got depressed and thought I couldn't do it anymore, I talked to social services who had nurses coming in to give her baths and stuff, they guided me in the right direction. They approved me for a program to put her in a nursing home for one week each month to give me a much needed break. I went along with this and it did help for awhile. Unfortunately my Grandmother broke her hip later on getting out of bed in one of the facilities watching her for a week and I could no longer take care of her at that point. The most important thing is your health and happiness, she would not want you to be depressed. You have done the best job you could and she loves you for any amount of time you have been able to have her home, my heart goes out to you. I know how hard it can be, mentally and physically on you, your marriage, and the fact you have done it for 10 years I applaud you, I couldn't have. But you need to get your life back also and be happy again. This is what she would want for you above anything else if she could tell you so. I wish you the best.
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October 15, 2009 05:47 PM
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I have never made the same promise before, but the thought has occurred to me. I don't know if this is feasible for you, but the real solution is to get a full time 24 hour live-in caregiver, or perhaps a have a couple of them that come off and on for shifts. Fortunately, I still have decades to go before crossing this bridge, but my solution in it's current for for us will be to buy a property with a guest house as living quarters for the staff.
I know this is not an inexpensive solution, but with the economy the way it is, you may not have much trouble finding qualified people to work for a small amount of money. If you provide room and board, almost 100% of what they earn is savings. Sell them on how those saving can be a down payment on a brand new house in just a couple of years and you might be able to sign up one or two of them. With the costs of skilled care facilities going through the roof these days, pulling this off may make more sense than ever.
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I know this is not an inexpensive solution, but with the economy the way it is, you may not have much trouble finding qualified people to work for a small amount of money. If you provide room and board, almost 100% of what they earn is savings. Sell them on how those saving can be a down payment on a brand new house in just a couple of years and you might be able to sign up one or two of them. With the costs of skilled care facilities going through the roof these days, pulling this off may make more sense than ever.
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October 16, 2009 10:56 PM
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Pledges like these should be broken.
While you didn't wish to force her into a skilled care facility, you also didn't promise to ruin your own health in caring for her. If you fall ill, due to the stress, you won't be able to care for her, or yourself!
It takes a big person to admit they have reached the end of their rope, and taking steps to find care that is more appropriate for your mother is a wise decision!
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While you didn't wish to force her into a skilled care facility, you also didn't promise to ruin your own health in caring for her. If you fall ill, due to the stress, you won't be able to care for her, or yourself!
It takes a big person to admit they have reached the end of their rope, and taking steps to find care that is more appropriate for your mother is a wise decision!
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October 18, 2009 12:40 AM
http://www.mahalo.com/how-to-choose-a-nursing-home Helpful Answer? (1)
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Sorry but Dementia changes everything there. I have worked in a nursing home and seen dementia patients go ballistic. Your mom is not the same person she was when you made that promise, yes it maybe her body but the mind is gone.
I could share horror stories with you about folks like yourself who tried to keep their parents out of a nursing home and were mistaken as a burglar in the middle of the night. I could also share stories of how senile parents have wandered outside to what they thought was a spring day and it was actually freezing weather and mom died in a snowbank in a thin gown.
I have been assaulted by a pentecostal preacher for trying to change his soiled attends, you know his vocation was to help others when he was of sound mind and would never hurt a fly. Yet he slugged me so hard he bruised my eye.
The best thing you can do for a parent like this is get her into a nursing home (a good one) where she is safe. Many nursing homes have a locked unit for dementia patients where they can wander around yet are safe from the outside world. Staff is always awake and alert in the case of an emergency for those dementia patients who have inverted sleeping schedules.
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I could share horror stories with you about folks like yourself who tried to keep their parents out of a nursing home and were mistaken as a burglar in the middle of the night. I could also share stories of how senile parents have wandered outside to what they thought was a spring day and it was actually freezing weather and mom died in a snowbank in a thin gown.
I have been assaulted by a pentecostal preacher for trying to change his soiled attends, you know his vocation was to help others when he was of sound mind and would never hurt a fly. Yet he slugged me so hard he bruised my eye.
The best thing you can do for a parent like this is get her into a nursing home (a good one) where she is safe. Many nursing homes have a locked unit for dementia patients where they can wander around yet are safe from the outside world. Staff is always awake and alert in the case of an emergency for those dementia patients who have inverted sleeping schedules.
http://www.mahalo.com/how-to-choose-a-nursing-home Helpful Answer?
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