Answered Conundrum Next Conundrum

windowshop... windowsho...

A close friend's teenage child seeks you out to talk, in confidence, about a problem he is having at school. Do you tell your friend?

The young man has spoken to you in confidence. He has a good head on his shoulders, but he wasn't comfortable approaching either of his parents with his problem. He wanted an adult perspective and advice. You feel that he is on the right path to resolving his problem and you have suggested that he approach his folks and discuss this with them. He isn't comfortable with that - at least not yet. Do you honor his trust in you? Or do you have a higher priority obligation to tell his parents what is going on, possibly losing the young man's trust? What would you do?
Interesting Question? Yes (1) No (0)
RSS

Best Answer Chosen by Asker

philipy
philipy
Marked as Best! October 13, 2009 05:19 PM
If someone told me something in confidence, I'd respect that whoever they were.

I might advise that it's not a good idea to keep it secret, that they should ask for help etc, but I certainly wouldn't go around their wishes. If I felt that strongly about having to share anything they told me, I'd tell them about that upfront before they ever confided in me.

Are there exceptions to every rule? Probably. For example, if what they told me suggested they might have a serious psychiatric problem, or they're planning something so dangerous that lives could be lost. But for garden variety teenage secrets, like a girlfriend mom wouldn't approve of, or whether to come out as gay, it's not my place to give away what people tell me in confidence.
Asker's Rating:
• Good answer from a field of good answers! Thank you for your answer!
Helpful Answer? (1)   (0)
Permalink | Report
Reply

Other Answers (9)
Sort By

coldrengir...
coldrengir...
October 13, 2009 04:53 PM
He will talk to his parents when he is ready. The most important thing is he spoke to someone, you, instead of not talking about it at all. Trust is important and if you tell his parents he will no longer come to you with problems because he will figure out that it was you that told. You said that this young man has a good head on his shoulders and he will tell his parents when the time is right for him to do so. Don't push the issue and just be there as a friend for him.
Helpful Answer? (1)   (0)
Permalink | Report
Reply
pellrider2
pellrider2
October 13, 2009 04:58 PM
I will try to make him understand it will be better for him to approach his parents by himself. If he is not listening, and depending on the problem at hand, I will tell my friend in a way so that my friend will not go to confront him immediately.
In doing so, I am making our friendship stronger and keeping the kids safe.
Helpful Answer? (0)   (0)
Permalink | Report
Reply
skwerly
skwerly
October 13, 2009 06:13 PM
Noooooo! If you do that, the teenager will no longer talk to you, and then NO adult will know the situations. It's good that he or she trusts in you enough to confide in. Don't bust that up now!
Helpful Answer? (1)   (0)
Permalink | Report
Reply
lori57703
lori57703
October 13, 2009 06:26 PM
No, I would keep his confidence. The teen may just be asking me, the adult, for an adult viewpoint because he's not sure how his parents would react. My opinion might be enough to convince him to talk to them. Perhaps they're just not patient, understanding parents and he needs to unload on someone. As teens, our children need to learn how to handle situations on their own without always dragging mom or dad into it, although we should always be there when they truly need us. If I felt this was something he really should be talking over with his parents, I'd urge him to do so or to seek out a counselor who could help him deal with their potential reaction.
Helpful Answer? (1)   (0)
Permalink | Report
Reply
randync
randync
October 13, 2009 11:07 PM
I would only tell the parets if something dangerous was involved. If you do feel he is on the right track, then I would not tell the parents. He may come to you again about a more serious matter, if he trusts you.
Helpful Answer? (1)   (0)
Permalink | Report
Reply
victoria_r...
victoria_r...
October 14, 2009 07:46 AM
This has happened to me. I'm close to this kid - he is my son's best friend - and friends with the parents but not VERY close friends. Reason? I don't really like some of the ways in which they treat their kids. On more than one occasion, the boy has not really come to me per se, it's just that within a general conversation he might work in some info regarding his arguments with his mom, or the tight leash his overly-protective father keeps on him. I usually let him vent, because that's primarily what he needs.

I know you said a problem at school, and he has run some stuff past me regarding his participation in student government and the frustrations. My kid's in the same organization with him.

I love that he trusts me. I would never violate that confidence. Sometimes I ask questions and we sort of "role play," which I think helps him work through his troubles with "talk therapy," so to speak. Sometimes he sorts it out for himself, he just needed someone to talk to. I'm honored that the someone is me. He's MENSA, by the way, so yes. He has a good head on his shoulders.
Source(s):
Personal Experience
Helpful Answer? (1)   (0)
Permalink | Report
Reply
richaji
richaji
October 14, 2009 08:40 AM
defenetly no...once the child offered you for some confidence problem i vll think over it wether i should help the child or i should speak to his/her parent.
Helpful Answer? (1)   (0)
Permalink | Report
Reply
kinogirl
kinogirl
October 14, 2009 12:15 PM
It depends on if the child welfare is in jeopardy. If it's something minor no. But always make the suggestion that the child open dialog with their parent. And you can always ask the child if they want you to talk with their parents.
Helpful Answer? (0)   (0)
Permalink | Report
Reply
roseflr
roseflr
October 18, 2009 08:29 PM
I would respect the confidence and not tell the parents. From the way the question was phrased, it seems like a situation where the kid is sensible, going in the right direction and there's nothing very dangerous going on. If things do become more intense, I'd counsel the young man to tell his parents, and perhaps volunteer to approach them all together, if he feels comfortable with that.

This situation wouldn't have happened if the parents opened easy communication with the child, and were sufficiently approachable. It sounds as if he's already learned not to trust all adults, and betraying him will not be right.
Helpful Answer? (0)   (0)
Permalink | Report
Reply

Answer this Question


View All Parenting Questions

Ask a Conundrum


140 characters left

Categories

Large Glass of Conundrum Wine

Welcome to ConundrumLand

Please enter your zip code.