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How do you teach small children to not say things about people that are true but maybe not nice?
My daughter is at that age where she has made statements about cashiers, like is that a boy or a girl? Or why does that boy have on nail polish? Or man, she doesn't like very happy. Not anything purposely mean, but I'd like her to learn to not say these things out loud. How do you teach kids to not say things like this without telling them to lie?
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October 28, 2009 05:27 AM
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What my mom did was if it was a question about a stranger, to save the question until we were alone, and then ask her.
I asked her why, and she said, "Because we don't if it will hurt their feelings."
She also was trying to teach me the principal of, "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all", so was able to fuse those two concepts into the same basket.
I then tried it with kids myself, and I found that it was easy to teach to girls, but not so easy to explain to boys, such that I had to get a bit heavy about it sometimes.
Specifically, one time I had to say, "If you say something that hurts another person's feelings, then I am going to hurt you the way you hurt them."
I know that's harsh, but he really was being a pill.
I asked her why, and she said, "Because we don't if it will hurt their feelings."
She also was trying to teach me the principal of, "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all", so was able to fuse those two concepts into the same basket.
I then tried it with kids myself, and I found that it was easy to teach to girls, but not so easy to explain to boys, such that I had to get a bit heavy about it sometimes.
Specifically, one time I had to say, "If you say something that hurts another person's feelings, then I am going to hurt you the way you hurt them."
I know that's harsh, but he really was being a pill.
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October 28, 2009 01:36 AM
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I wouldn't.
A young child could easily confuse your attempts at polite for you telling her to not always be honest. I would prefer my child be honest than polite. You may also crush her curious nature if you make her feel as if her questions based on observation are "mean". People are more understanding of childrens' outbursts as, "kids say the darnedest things."
You could attempt to go the Bambie route and tell her not to say anything at all if she doesn't have anything nice to say, however she likely doesn't view what she's saying as mean.
I think it would be better simply to apologize and smile when she says such things, if they are the truth, they are the truth. She will learn the rest later.
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A young child could easily confuse your attempts at polite for you telling her to not always be honest. I would prefer my child be honest than polite. You may also crush her curious nature if you make her feel as if her questions based on observation are "mean". People are more understanding of childrens' outbursts as, "kids say the darnedest things."
You could attempt to go the Bambie route and tell her not to say anything at all if she doesn't have anything nice to say, however she likely doesn't view what she's saying as mean.
I think it would be better simply to apologize and smile when she says such things, if they are the truth, they are the truth. She will learn the rest later.
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October 28, 2009 02:54 AM
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When children are too young to understand exactly why you don't want them to say certain things, the truth is you just can't.
What tends to work most of the time is just ignoring it completely. Usually, a child will make more of a fuss if you do!
Another way is to smooth things over when your child says something you wish they wouldn't. For example, "Mommy is that a boy or a girl?" You can smile at the person whose sexual identity is in question and say, "She is just now learning the differences between 'girl' and 'boy'. She asks that about every single person we see." Then turn to your little one and answer, "Shhe is a lady - a girl - just like you and mommy are girls. Men like daddy are boys." Then just laugh it off as if it's cute. In the back of your mind you're likely to think, "Please don't say she looks like daddy..."
If your child asks something like, "Why does that boy paint his fingernails?" You can always answer quite honestly, "Well, sweetheart, mommy really doesn't know. Maybe that's his favorite color or he just likes the way it looks." When it's something less offensive like this you can even say it right in front of the person. You've said nothing wrong and you've still at least attempted to answer your daughter's question.
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What tends to work most of the time is just ignoring it completely. Usually, a child will make more of a fuss if you do!
Another way is to smooth things over when your child says something you wish they wouldn't. For example, "Mommy is that a boy or a girl?" You can smile at the person whose sexual identity is in question and say, "She is just now learning the differences between 'girl' and 'boy'. She asks that about every single person we see." Then turn to your little one and answer, "Shhe is a lady - a girl - just like you and mommy are girls. Men like daddy are boys." Then just laugh it off as if it's cute. In the back of your mind you're likely to think, "Please don't say she looks like daddy..."
If your child asks something like, "Why does that boy paint his fingernails?" You can always answer quite honestly, "Well, sweetheart, mommy really doesn't know. Maybe that's his favorite color or he just likes the way it looks." When it's something less offensive like this you can even say it right in front of the person. You've said nothing wrong and you've still at least attempted to answer your daughter's question.
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October 28, 2009 05:01 AM
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I think it is important to teach children to be polite. Not only is it a skill that they need to learn, but some people are not above snapping at children when they say rude things. Not to mention that while people may dismiss a four year old as being "cute" when they say something like that, they may assume a six year old is poorly raised and go ahead and correct your child--and you--on the spot. That raises a number of other conversations you will need to have.
In the moment, I might try some of the tactics rspears01 describes, but later, I would explain to my child that it is not polite to ask personal questions of strangers, and it is not polite to talk about people when they can hear you. Children should understand that commenting about someone's appearance can hurt their feelings, and that people should not be judged for their appearance. If a question is really pressing, children may ask their parents privately, later.
I think not talking to children about these things can lead to children who "innocently" ask questions to intentionally hurt someone's feelings, knowing they can hide behind the trusted ol' "but I'm just a kid" routine while mom stands there to stammer an awkward apology/cover up. Coddling children doesn't protect them from the social realities they will eventually have to face.
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In the moment, I might try some of the tactics rspears01 describes, but later, I would explain to my child that it is not polite to ask personal questions of strangers, and it is not polite to talk about people when they can hear you. Children should understand that commenting about someone's appearance can hurt their feelings, and that people should not be judged for their appearance. If a question is really pressing, children may ask their parents privately, later.
I think not talking to children about these things can lead to children who "innocently" ask questions to intentionally hurt someone's feelings, knowing they can hide behind the trusted ol' "but I'm just a kid" routine while mom stands there to stammer an awkward apology/cover up. Coddling children doesn't protect them from the social realities they will eventually have to face.
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